Triatheletes

The registered trademark of the triathlon event that was evolving and emerging in the 70’s was: Swim 2.4 miles! Bike 112 miles! Run 26.2 miles! Brag for the rest of your life".

Yeah - I didn’t really do that. I’m proud of both myself and my fellow mini-triathaletes - but really - it would be an insult to triathaletes the world over to refer to myself as a triathalete after doing that “mini” triathlon.

All and all, I fared much better than I expected as I pretended to be Michael Phelps, Lance Armstrong and Usain Bolt, all in one race. However… before I watched the results getting posted, I was thinking, “I should do pretty well in my 45-50 age category”, only to see that the fastest time of the day (from all comers of all ages) was…. in the men 45-50 age grouping. If I’d have lied about my age and said I was ten years younger, I would have faired much better (comparitively). I guess I’m in the more-motivated “trying to prove something-and-can’t-really-accept-we’re-ageing” age category. (With all the “mini” and “maxi” talk they really needed a sanitary napkin tie in. Do I have to think of everyone’s marketing for them?)

But the race went as I expected – I did a lot better than most in the pool – a bit better than most on the bike – and awful on my feet – which thankfully was only a short part of the race – but all of which was a great reminder that one can be in pretty good shape - but that doesn’t mean you’re in swimming shape, or running shape, or biking shape.

I really do feel good about having completed the race. But I confess, too, that I had a dream last night where the race organizer got up in front of all of us who participated, and said: “Thank you for coming out today. I love to put these races together so I can observe, identify and nurture people who show promise as an athlete; unfortunately I didn’t see any of that today. You can all go home now”

And as I got some gasoline out of the shed this morning to get the grease numbers off my arms and leg (ok not really grease – they were written on with a sharpie – progress!), I was feeling some post–race blues. I’m afraid I may need to move up to the “maxi” race to feel better. And that might mean actually training – not just aimlessly working out at the gym. Here was my training/pre-race build up for the two weeks leading up to the “Triathlon”:

- Go to the gym as normal
- Grocery shop as normal
- Pick up kids and run them around as normal
- Eat a little extra - because I’d better start carbing up!!
- Register for the race
- Rent a road bike for 24 hours
- Buy some race shorts that can get wet and don’t require a change between race segments
- Wear said race shorts on a tune up bike ride and then wear them around the house just long enough to hear your 17 year old son say, “OMG dad! Please tell me you’re not going out in public in those!!”
- Fill water bottle
- Drive to race
- Wait 2.5 hours to start because there were 400 people there to participate

Whew!! That was exhausting! The preparation, not the race. The race was over in 48 minutes.

Now what’s next? Ah yes – Mountain Climbing – soon I will be a Mountain Climber –

OK, training checklist: - go to the gym as normal - grocery shop as normal…. Ah, no rest for the middle-aged-man-in-denial.

Healthcare Reformation

Our healthcare system is an impressive, progressive, innovative, world class modern medical array of break-outs and breakthroughs – and it sucks, too. Our costs keep going up and our coverage keeps going down. More people are going without what they need and more people are losing insurance coverage as a result of rising medical costs, rising insurance costs AND rising unemployment. The population is aging and medical needs are evolving. And the current system, such as it is, is not supporting our population’s needs – and it’s getting worse. I’m glad this piece of legislation is making SOME headway – and here’s why….

Get Stuff Done – Why I’m Glad SOMETHING is Happening

Have you ever been a part of a large organization (Hi Marriott!!) that will form a committee to decide how to form a committee? At some point you just want to scream, “for Gods sake - do SOMETHING!!” One of the biggest strengths of our government is also one of its significant weaknesses; its inability to make a quick decision. It’s a strength, because you will not see rash, un-thought-out decisions. On the other hand, “for Gods sake – do SOMETHING!!”

I moved to Washington DC during the Clinton era – I went full of enthusiasm for being closer to our government and its inner workings – and anticipating I would gleen a better understanding and respect of our wonderful system. I left three years later glad to distance myself from all those liars and self-serving egotists. And that was just my neighbors ;). I definitely left with a better understanding of the system; maybe not so much the respect part. Recently I'm reminded of one very interesting dynamic I observed - something that may well play out with the Obama administration. Clinton and the Democratic Party were paralyzed when they owned both the Presidency and Congress. It created in-fighting with the democrats and coalesced the republicans into a united front. It wasn’t until Clinton’s second term - when the republicans got congress back - that the two parties got to work and worked together to find solutions. The two party system works – just not always how I thought.

Anyway, as our republican friends unite and fight back as a powerful unit, the healthcare debate has become so overly politicized; it feels like it has lost its way. (Not to worry Democrat friends - when the Republicans get control – the infighting will ramp right back up) So what’s the healthcare debate about again? Oh yeah – money. We’re here because our costs are too high for what we’re getting – so let’s make changes. But… how are we going to pay for the changes? How are the insurance companies going to provide the changes with restrictions and limits on revenue? We’re a compassionate society who will not let people die because they do not have coverage. (For the most part). But… that reality is one of the many factors driving everyone’s medical costs up. But… I’ve got friends and family that have put off care because of these issues – care that threatens their lives! These are heady, politically charged, and important issues that grow with inaction. So “for Gods sake – do SOMETHING!” So after decades of attempts we have some potential healthcare reform – all 2700 pages of it. And here’s my prediction: some if it will work. Some of it will turn out to be foolish. And it will never be perfect. But we will learn from it. And it will improve.

Paying For It – Ouch!! – Why I’m worried

Let’s face it – this is the hardest part – and there will likely be no easy answers. But let’s simplify it. If a member of your family get’s really sick and much of the care has to come out of your pocket, and you don’t have anything in your savings account, what do you do? Do you do some stuff you don’t want to do? Do you downsize some other things? Do you sell your BMW and drive a Honda? Well, until about 2007, the answer is, “NO!” You take out a second mortgage, lease an SUV, and with the surplus, pick up a piece-of-crap condo with a 3 year ARM as an “investment property” that is selling for three times its eventual value – and you feel good about it – until... POP! Now a Honda is looking pretty good – and a Ford maybe even better!

You’re smarter than me, so I don’t have to spell out the analogy, but to entertain myself, I will anyway. The country’s health care system has gotten sick. So will we get rid of that new aircraft carrier and settle for a battle ship? NO! With the current state of the world? Make that - TWO new aircraft carriers!! Wait – what’s that sound…? POP!! Did you ever see the movie “Dave”? The scene where the look-a-like president (Kevin Klein) brings in his Jewish accountant (Charles Groden) to look at the un-balanced budget and this small town accountant looks it all over and says, “are you kidding me!? If I did my books like this I’d be in jail!” It’s good to be the goernement…

But it will all come home to roost at some point. Much political hay is being made from the concept that “we’re handing this debt to our children!” Which I believe has some truth to it – but we won’t actually have THAT much time. We’ll have to deal with it sooner. Aren’t you glad you’re not a congress(wo)man? Sure there’s lots of money, power and sex, but do you want a smaller military presence? Do you want to say “no” to some more funding to New Orleans? (There is actually a provision in the Health Care Reform Bill that provides more funding to Louisiana – and an amendment already being penned to nix that) Do you want seniors to go without their prescription drugs? Do you want to close National Parks? Do you want to cut back on funding to Israel?

Operating from Fear

Speaking of political hay - Our politicians relish in getting attention by playing on our fears. But let’s try to stay on point – healthcare – what needs to be provided – how are we going to pay for it - OK – I’m NOT on the far right OR the far left. Here it is where I alienate my REALLY conservative and REALLY liberal friends (cuz yes, I have have and love them both) –

John’s half-glass-full 30 second trust memorandum -

Does anyone REALLY believe George Bush is a war-monger? Does anyone REALLY believe Obama can make the USA a socialist state? I truly believe they are both dedicated, true-blue Americans that want what’s best for the country. Congress will keep Presidents in check – mostly. And the courts will make sure neither a president or congress(wo)man’s ego gets completely out of hand. And I trust that in the end, it will be better. (I know – this is where I just lost you – “John said “trust” a politician… hahahahaha!”) Vote for who best represents your priorities and beliefs – give your representatives your feedback (whether you voted for them or not) and in the end, TRY to trust whoever that rep is. Because I believe… Some if it will work. Some of it will turn out to be foolish. And it will never be perfect. But we will learn from it. And it will improve.

And remember, as the saying goes, “Democracy sucks – but it’s the best political system in the world.” Or something like that…

Hockey season is starting. At my son Frank’s game last night I was reminded of the worst aspect of youth sports: the parents.

It was a pleasant surprise to me that as the kids got older – for youth hockey at least – the parents got less idiotic - at least in sheer numbers. When kids are around age 10 or 11 the parents seem to be at their worst. Complaining about officiating – yelling at other team’s parents – complaining about the coach – complaining about opposing teams and their parents – you know, all the reasons we want our kids to participate in sports. So they can observe how to be rude, intolerant, obnoxious, and poor losers. These are typically the more committed parents, going to every practice and game – for god’s sake – get a life. Those poor officials and coaches who commit all their time for the love of the game… heaven forbid they make a mistake or a bad call - like they’re supposed to be pro caliber.

A few years ago, when Frank was a “squirt”, I got an email that there was a last minute parent meeting. I went to the parent meeting, and the coach wasn’t there. I said,
“Where’s the coach?”
The team mom replied “we’re having a meeting to discuss replacing the coach.”
“Why?” I asked. “What did she do?” (Alarmed, I’m thinking: abuse, stealing, lying…)
“Well it’s almost half way through the season and we haven’t won a game yet. It’s unacceptable.”

In a rare moment for mild-mannered-me, I got up and said – “Oh. Well then I’m leaving. I don’t think Frank and I are here for the same reasons you are. Frank will be at practices and games the rest of the season – win or lose. Let me know when we have a meeting with the coach here.” And I headed for the door. But before I could escape..

“What do you mean by that?” A dad yelled out.

I stopped long enough to say, “We participate in sports to learn about commitment, sportsmanship, teamwork, hard work, loyalty – and even hardship. I don’t think my son will ever play for the NHL – but he has fun and learns a lot. And frankly, how his dad reacts to a losing season will teach him a lot more life-lessons than how his dad reacts to winning.” And I left.

There was apparently a bit of an uproar after I left, but the coach stayed the whole season. Some parents said that it needed to be said; and some ostracized me after that.

So here we are more than 5 years later, and the kids still playing hockey at 17 and 18 years old mostly drive themselves to practice and games, and play because they love the game – not because their parents love the game – or they have professional aspirations. So the nutty parents have mostly faded away. But not all of them.

As a skirmish developed on the ice in a corner I couldn’t see, I got up and walked a few steps to where I could get a view of what was happening. Not seeing the dad from the opposing team sitting behind me, I inadvertently blocked his view. Instead of “excuse me pal” I got “DO YOU MIND BUDDY!?” I turned around and seeing I was blocking his view, I apologized. That wasn’t good enough however. From that point on he escalated his rhetoric, yelling at the referees and boys about bias and unfair calls – and each time turning to glare at me. They don’t serve beer there - but the way the guy was acting, you'd have thought they did.

But all in all, I’m glad the days of goofy over-invested parents are largely behind me. Someday I’m sure I’ll get to go to my grandkids games and laugh at the parents all over again – and from that vantage, I’m sure it will be easier to take. Either that, or I might have developed into a crotchety old fart; and it will be my turn to yell stupid things for the wrong reasons. Either way – something to look forward to – but not TOO soon, I hope.

Marital Status

Recently I had to fill out some change forms for insurance. The first section of the form is "Personal Information". The first two questions are as follows:

1. Sex

• Male
• Female

2. Marital Status

• Single
• Married
• Divorced

Now stop reading and think about that.......

Aside from the fact I've been known to choke on multiple choice tests (although I'm almost sure I got the first question right), I am divorced; so I will forever be two of the three above. I think it's a trick question. So drawing on my many years of experience with multiple choice questions, I developed a better thought-out list:

A. Single
B. Married
C. Divorced
D. A & C
E. B & C
F. All of the above (Divorced Mormon)

"Single" or "Married" seems appropriate. We're all going to be one of the two. Seems unfair to know more about me.

D - Hey - can I buy you a drink?
S - Sure - you don't seem too weird. You're not married are you?
D - No!
S - How do I know for sure? Let me see your insurance form.
D - OK. See here? Not married.
S - No. But your not single either. You lied to me. Loser. With baggage. Take a hike.

Upon reflection however, something is still bothering me. As the "divorced" label clearly gives more personal information out than a simple single or married individual is sharing, it just seems fair to expound on Marital Status a bit more. Since we're getting to know each other with this form - and after all, the section IS called "Personal Information"- a thorough vetting of each status seems appropriate.

Single

• Waiting for Mr/Miss Right
• By choice and happy about it
• But shacking up

Married

• Happily
• Miserably
• How many times? ____

Divorced

• Amiably
• Ugly
• How many times? ____

There. That seems more balanced. And now the insurance form can have multiple uses. Such as in on-line dating selection. Or in better knowing your neighbors. We could be geo-coded so your neighbors can know how and where the divorcees and multi-marrying bastard types are in relation to the home you want to buy. All these things effect home values - as well as the safety of our children. But I'm drifting here a bit. I know I know. I'm divorced. Get used to it.

(Bonus points for identifying the picture and number of times married)

Two Pods in the Hole

Worried about the U.S. dollar and its exchange rate to the Euro? Or the Pound? Or the Yen? Or the Loonie? Well it's time to wise up and see the newest monetary threat to the dollar - the i-pod!

In the past couple years I have seen this new currency emerging. Money, cash, credit and the traditional monetary based system has taken a back seat to what I will call, the "Pod".

This phenomenon has manifested itself in phrases such as, "if you let me use your i-pod this weekend I'll do the dishes for you." Or, "if I can take your i-pod with me to the lake I'll give you 5 bucks." Or even, "if you let me borrow your i-pod, I'll play basketball with you for an hour."

As big brother used this last phrase successfully, I realized how the "Pod" had usurped the dollar. I mean, it would be insulting to pay your brother money to play with you. But lending him your i-pod to get him to play with you seemed perfectly acceptable.

At the core of this system, however, is Frank's inability to keep an i-pod. Great demand has been created when Frank loses, not just his i-pod(s), but those that he borrows as well. Kind of like gold was once the standard by which our monetary system was bolstered (see Fort Knox), Frank is the force which bolsters the strength of the "Pod" (see adolescent cluelessness).

Here is an example of the ebb and flow of the strength of the "Pod" over a few weeks span.

My i-pod disappeared. Since there is generally a certain reverence given to i-pods, once I asked all my blessed children and none knew of its whereabouts, I took it to be lost. Not quite valuing it at the same level as the three mouseketeers, however, I waited about three weeks to see if it showed up. When it didn't, I went to Costco and replaced it - only I replaced it with an I-touch (a fancier version of the i-pod), thus creating an encouraging trade impact on U.S. steel exports with the positive effect I created on the surging "Pod".

Frank, leaving for a school emergence trip to Canada (ay?), made a desperate and pitiful plea to borrow my i-touch on his trip. He was willing to barter many goods and services that normally would have been well worth it. But since a two hour local lending of an i-pod to Frank carries about a 20% risk of total loss, I calculated my chances of seeing my i-touch again at about .01% if Frank took it out of the country for a week. So I declined to strike up a deal. In fact, I believe my actual words were something like, "it will be a blustery snow day in Phoenix before I let you....." You get the idea.

So Frank talked his sister's friend in to letting him borrow her i-touch. I got a call from Frank at customs in Chicago, on the way to Toronto, letting me know he went to the bathroom , and someone stole the borrowed i-touch. He said he didn't have the money to replace it, so what was he going to do? We had a talk about borrowing things of greater value than the resources you have, but in the end, I indicated that we may need to give her mine until he can come up with the replacement cost. That same day, while I was in the gym during my lunch break, someone broke my car window and stole my i-touch. A further indication of the growing strength of the "Pod".

So Frank now has a horrible trade imbalance with his father.

Clark got his first i-pod for his birthday a few weeks ago, and I feared a similar trend, so I was trying to help him keep an eye on the foundation of his currency. One day I asked,

"I haven't seen you with your i-pod for hours. Do you know where it is?"

"Frank borrowed it", Clark replied.

"Oh crap!" I replied back.

I pointed out the folly of lending an i-pod to Frank, and Clark wisely agreed he should get it back and not lend it to him. Don't misunderstand me - I encourage all my three amigo(a)s to share. But come on - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 18 times....

When Frank got home, Clark quickly asked for his i-pod back, and Frank made protestations and whinny-type noises, to which I responded, "son, between your own and someone elses i-pods, you are at least 2 pods down. You can't afford to borrow anyones i-pod.

These are tough life lessons. And someday maybe Frank will have thousands of Pods of his own. But until then, he'll have to limit the temptation to further create a trade imbalance with multiple Pod owners. It doesn't work over time. It's OK for governments. Or is it? Oh, maybe that's a whole different topic. Or maybe it isn't?

Simple, Economical and Dignified.... That's our motto!

In my mid twenties, I remember looking at a Playboy centerfolds bio, and thinking, "When did those playboys centerfolds get younger than me?" I mean, I'd been waiting to grow up enough to think of them as "in my league." OK. Reality is that's a whole different sport. Not just a different league. But you get my point.

Then there was a time in my late 30's where I went to the doctor, explained a few items that had been bugging me, and he said, "yeah. That stuff happens with age." HEY! What happened to fixing things?

A few years ago, my son Clark got clocked in the head with a ball, and had a bump and a cut as a result. (One of many times, unfortunately.) A couple days later you could barely make out the spot he'd been hit. Meanwhile, I looked down at the back of my hand where I'd been cut a month ago, and thought, "when is THAT thing gonna heal!"

So as I picked up my mail today, I did as most do with their mail, ignored the obvious advertisements and bills, and grabbed the one envelope that looked personal - ivory envelope, script written, no obvious return address. And as I looked closer, pregnant excitement in the air at receiving the potentially personal note from a friend, I notice a hook in the bottom left corner - Free Pre-Paid Cremation! Details Inside.

Marketing acumen aside, (Why go to the effort of tricking me if you're going to put a hook on the front of the personal-looking envelope?), am I supposed to get excited by that? What mailing list did I get on that I'm receiving this special offer? And if I'm cremated, will my soul still make it to heaven?

Well - it just struck me as another milestone. One I could have done without right now. But one that I'm glad I'm around to reach, anyway. For now, I'll leave anyone interested with the following new knowledge I now possess:

Cremation makes sense because:

• It allows families to conduct simple personal services at their own convenience.


• It is much less expensive.


• It has less impact on the environment.

Sheesh - I think Dr. Kevorkian and Darryl Hannah have teamed up.

Your Record Collection - How Cool Were You!?

While a contentious split can create the loss of many beloved objects and possessions – and this was certainly the case as my ex refused to give me any of the kid’s pictures – I was pleasantly surprised when, fairly early in the apoplectic, apportionistic, redistribution process, I asked for some of the vinyl records, and she said “take them all!” (I made up “apportionistic”. There is just such ownership given to contentious re-distribution, I needed something new.)

It is true that neither of us had a turntable – but there are many memories tied up in music, and I thought it would be nice to be able to drag them out some day.

That day came this last weekend. I found a turntable that will play thru your computer. So now I can put all my vinyl recordings in my i-tunes – to be forever available with the 1,000 other songs already on my i-pod. I was quite excited as I started going through albums I had not perused in 20+ years. Here are a few initial thoughts that went through my head as I started looking through my stack of black, vinyl gold!!

• “Where did this soundtrack from “Tron” come from?”
• “What was I thinking when I bought Xanadu? Wait. I know what I was thinking. And it wasn’t about music.”
• “I wonder if Phillip Bailey can still hit those high notes?”
• “When was it I thought Bob James was cool?”
• “Cruisaders! Now that IS cool!!”

And so it went. Time to start spinning some of these babies!! As I revved up the turntable and let the disks fly, the following were some more thoughts as I continued down this sentimental journey:

• “This Kansas album isn’t quite the Rock Opera Masterpiece I used to think it was.”
• “That French Kiss album cover is still sexy! At least, the woman is sexy; Bob is ugly with a capital UG! It’s good to be a rock star!!”
• “All right, what's wrong with this picture? The coolest album in here I inherited from my parents!! Ray Charles and June Carter!!”
• “If I inherited that one, where are Herb Alpert and his Tijuana Brass?”
• “I know every word to Styx Cornerstone! (How embarrassing)”

One of the more conflicted moments came when I realized I really missed hearing some of these songs with the scratches and skips, the way I originally learned them, (B-B-B Benny and the jetsB-B-B Benny and the jetsB-B-B Benny and the jets…….) and that digitally recording them will preserve those scratches and skips “electronically, forever!”

There were a few gems in the collection – all 9 of Beethoven’s symphonies by the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra when their Brass and Wind sections were the best in the world – and in pristine condition – but mostly, I realized something that was hard to admit to myself – a lot of the music I loved so much kind of sucks.

Well, I’ll just pick through the lot and keep the stuff that I still like - or is nostalgic. Traveling Willburies, Double Fantasy (every other track/sans Yoko), Monty Python, Strause, ELO (yeah!), Soundtrack to Big Chill…. And I’ll take a positive spin on my music taste…..

It’s not that my music tastes used to be questionable. It’s actually that my music tastes have improved!

Oooh look!! Kiss!!!