Simple, Economical and Dignified.... That's our motto!

In my mid twenties, I remember looking at a Playboy centerfolds bio, and thinking, "When did those playboys centerfolds get younger than me?" I mean, I'd been waiting to grow up enough to think of them as "in my league." OK. Reality is that's a whole different sport. Not just a different league. But you get my point.

Then there was a time in my late 30's where I went to the doctor, explained a few items that had been bugging me, and he said, "yeah. That stuff happens with age." HEY! What happened to fixing things?

A few years ago, my son Clark got clocked in the head with a ball, and had a bump and a cut as a result. (One of many times, unfortunately.) A couple days later you could barely make out the spot he'd been hit. Meanwhile, I looked down at the back of my hand where I'd been cut a month ago, and thought, "when is THAT thing gonna heal!"

So as I picked up my mail today, I did as most do with their mail, ignored the obvious advertisements and bills, and grabbed the one envelope that looked personal - ivory envelope, script written, no obvious return address. And as I looked closer, pregnant excitement in the air at receiving the potentially personal note from a friend, I notice a hook in the bottom left corner - Free Pre-Paid Cremation! Details Inside.

Marketing acumen aside, (Why go to the effort of tricking me if you're going to put a hook on the front of the personal-looking envelope?), am I supposed to get excited by that? What mailing list did I get on that I'm receiving this special offer? And if I'm cremated, will my soul still make it to heaven?

Well - it just struck me as another milestone. One I could have done without right now. But one that I'm glad I'm around to reach, anyway. For now, I'll leave anyone interested with the following new knowledge I now possess:

Cremation makes sense because:

• It allows families to conduct simple personal services at their own convenience.


• It is much less expensive.


• It has less impact on the environment.

Sheesh - I think Dr. Kevorkian and Darryl Hannah have teamed up.

Your Record Collection - How Cool Were You!?

While a contentious split can create the loss of many beloved objects and possessions – and this was certainly the case as my ex refused to give me any of the kid’s pictures – I was pleasantly surprised when, fairly early in the apoplectic, apportionistic, redistribution process, I asked for some of the vinyl records, and she said “take them all!” (I made up “apportionistic”. There is just such ownership given to contentious re-distribution, I needed something new.)

It is true that neither of us had a turntable – but there are many memories tied up in music, and I thought it would be nice to be able to drag them out some day.

That day came this last weekend. I found a turntable that will play thru your computer. So now I can put all my vinyl recordings in my i-tunes – to be forever available with the 1,000 other songs already on my i-pod. I was quite excited as I started going through albums I had not perused in 20+ years. Here are a few initial thoughts that went through my head as I started looking through my stack of black, vinyl gold!!

• “Where did this soundtrack from “Tron” come from?”
• “What was I thinking when I bought Xanadu? Wait. I know what I was thinking. And it wasn’t about music.”
• “I wonder if Phillip Bailey can still hit those high notes?”
• “When was it I thought Bob James was cool?”
• “Cruisaders! Now that IS cool!!”

And so it went. Time to start spinning some of these babies!! As I revved up the turntable and let the disks fly, the following were some more thoughts as I continued down this sentimental journey:

• “This Kansas album isn’t quite the Rock Opera Masterpiece I used to think it was.”
• “That French Kiss album cover is still sexy! At least, the woman is sexy; Bob is ugly with a capital UG! It’s good to be a rock star!!”
• “All right, what's wrong with this picture? The coolest album in here I inherited from my parents!! Ray Charles and June Carter!!”
• “If I inherited that one, where are Herb Alpert and his Tijuana Brass?”
• “I know every word to Styx Cornerstone! (How embarrassing)”

One of the more conflicted moments came when I realized I really missed hearing some of these songs with the scratches and skips, the way I originally learned them, (B-B-B Benny and the jetsB-B-B Benny and the jetsB-B-B Benny and the jets…….) and that digitally recording them will preserve those scratches and skips “electronically, forever!”

There were a few gems in the collection – all 9 of Beethoven’s symphonies by the Cleveland Symphony Orchestra when their Brass and Wind sections were the best in the world – and in pristine condition – but mostly, I realized something that was hard to admit to myself – a lot of the music I loved so much kind of sucks.

Well, I’ll just pick through the lot and keep the stuff that I still like - or is nostalgic. Traveling Willburies, Double Fantasy (every other track/sans Yoko), Monty Python, Strause, ELO (yeah!), Soundtrack to Big Chill…. And I’ll take a positive spin on my music taste…..

It’s not that my music tastes used to be questionable. It’s actually that my music tastes have improved!

Oooh look!! Kiss!!!

Simplicitous Behavior

On Saturday, as I made my list for the day, I made a deal with myself in the spirit of simplifying life and helping the ecology and my own pocket book - I would neither drive my car nor spend any money the whole day (except for buying the contact lens solution, of which I had completely run out).

I had a lot of chores to do, so how hard could it be? Lots of laundry, cleaning, the lawn, bathrooms… return some videos, pick up contact solution, drop some dry cleaning.

As I rode around on my bike with my dry cleaning and shoulder bag, I realized there were really just two kinds of bike riders out and about: decked out exercisers on $1,000 street bikes, dressed in sleek bicyclist outfits with biking shoes and biking gloves; and kids playing on their bikes in their neighborhood. I saw 50-60 of the former; and 3 of the latter. What I saw absolutely none of, other than myself, were people on their bikes as a means of getting somewhere. (On a disturbing side-note: the bike-a-sizers all wear those tight biker shorts and shirts no matter what shape they are in. This is primarily the generation that once said, "hey man - let it all hang out”. Now they really are! You have to be Lance Armstrong to look good in those things. But hey, be proud – your’e on a bike!! Pedal harder!)

When I got done with the errands, I wasn’t done riding my bike. I wanted to ride more! So I rode to the gym – where I lifted weights, but didn’t bother with the cardio because I figured I was already getting it. Then I meandered my way home and did some sightseeing.

After finishing up the laundry and cleaning one bathroom, I saw there was only about a half hour of light left, so I decided to ride again! I got about a half mile down the road and figured I was going to lose the daylight, but hey?! Who cares? As the sun slipped over the horizon I braked to a stop – and hey! I was right in front of a pub!! Heck – I done good. Time for a beer.

I was half way through the beer when I realized I had just spent $3 for a beer!! I hadn’t touched the lawn, and the house was only half cleaned. Crap! I had NOT done so good after all. So did I finish up and get home to the chores? Well – no. Reality? I had the weekend to myself. So…. I had another beer.

Then I rode home in the dark - and I couldn't help thinking it was just dark enough that it would be the perfect time for me to have been wearing some cool, skin-tight biking attire!

The Best Fit for Me

It’s time for my annual mid-season observations of my home town football team, the Detroit Lions. The observations don’t actually differ year to year; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

This morning I read that the Lions are planning to sign Daunte Cullpepper.

"As a result of doing some research on different places to play, the Detroit Lions seemed to be the best fit for me," Culpepper told The Associated Press in an e-mail. "I am encouraged by the commitment of ownership, the vision of management and the great potential of the talent that is on the team."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Kiss Ass!!

I must confess that I am skeptical – Daunte’s research on different places to play seems somewhat... how shall I say, "questionable?". It is tempting to try to read between the lines here, inferring any or all of the following thoughts:

• I’m such a loser that loser-ville seems like the best fit for me.
• Since no-one from the CFL has offered me a job, the Lions look like the best fit for me.
• Since I currently do not have any job, any job looks like the best fit for me.

But on second (fifth) thought, maybe it IS the perfect job opportunity. I am reminded of when I was young and in my prime, and I was offered my first General Manager job at Marriott.

Boss: We have a couple openings, so you can choose which one you want.
Me: Really? Where?
Boss: Louisville and Toledo
Me: Hasn’t Louisville been the best performing hotel for the past 5 years?
Boss: Yep. A real jewel. Award winner on every level. And the most profitable too!
Me: And Toledo?
Boss: A real dog. No one wants to be there. It is losing money and in receivership so it has a horrible reputation. No matter what anyone tries it seems to fail.
Me: Toledo here I come!!

So it is easy to see what must have happened with Daunte:

Daunte: Hey Mr. Agent, I’ve got my handicap down to a 4. Anyone out there in need of a quarterback?
Mr. Agent: Well Brady is down. The Patriots can’t seem to win without him.
Daunte: You mean the New England Patriots? The best team in the NFL the last five years? The NFL franchise that wins awards on every level? And is the most profitable, too?
Mr. Agent: That’s the one.
Daunte: Shit! I don’t think so!! Only one direction to go – and it ain’t up! What about Detroit?
Mr. Agent: A real dog. No one wants to be there. It is losing money and in receivership so it has a horrible reputation. No matter what anyone tries it seems to fail.
Daunte: Lions here I come!!

One win and Daunte’s a hero!

It also reminds me of an old Abbott and Costello bit. I’m paraphrasing, so apologies to the original:

Costello: If I get married I want to marry a homely, unattractive girl.
Abbott: Why is that?
Costello: Because if you have a wife, she might run away on you.
Abbott: Isn’t a homely, unattractive girl just as likely to run away on you?
Costello: Yeah; but who cares?

If I sound a bit jaded, I apologize. But really, the Lions are 0-8. And by mid-season, every stinkin’ year, we must face reality. We suck - affectionately for sure - but suck, just the same.

So here it is – time for this year’s battle cry – mid-way through the football season we are faced with our sporting reality, and with all due respect and sincere wishes of good luck to Daunte –

GO PISTONS!!

Vote For Obama McCain!!

As the presidential race revs up, the rhetoric is hitting a fever-pitch. Watching the debate last night, I was struck by how familiar it seemed. Rather than a frank debate about the merits and ideals of the candidates, it was like all the other debates I’ve seen the last 30 years - a boxing match where they try to look for openings to get in their jabs in an effort to gain ground and that ethereal sound bite that will outlast the election. “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy..” And that from the loser of a vice-presidential debate – have we learned nothing?

It’s not that I’m surprised; it’s just that they say the same thing so often, and then act like the difference between them is some earth shattering, global snuffing, galactic disturbance. I loved the way they got all worked up about Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. “Senator Obama said he’d bomb Pakistan” “No John, I said I’d be willing to back up our demands”. Or words to that effect. Come on – the middle east is f’d up and we’re right in the thick of it. Our next president will try to protect Israel, stabilize the Arab world and put band aids on scabby global feelings that GW has been scraping at for almost 8 years. And either candidate will likely improve the situation – or not – but not because of the differences between them.

And the economy? Tell it like it is – we all got greedy and took as much as we could take while the taken’ was good. Government didn’t do it to us and government won’t fix it. Each of us has to fix it and it will all get much better if we do two things: save more, spend less. There! All fixed!! (I’m not preaching – I’m one of the dopes). You know why our parent’s generation didn’t ever have a mortgage interest-only loan? No one would give it to them!! LOL! Seriously, we live in a free market economy and society where there will always be options available to us that are not necessarily in our best interest to partake in. We know this on lots of levels but forget it on others at times. We don’t eat Twinkies every meal, but we leveraged our future to buy that million dollar home. Which is more stooopid?

This election has been rare for me in that I think either candidate will be good for our country. Which is why it is disappointing for me to see where the dialogue has gone. Sifting through the chaff to glean a little insight into these two Americans is difficult, and becoming more difficult every day. I’m going to go back to an old interviewing axiom: “the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.” So it is time to dig in to their pasts, and pretty much ignore the rest of this election - because they are in “I need votes” mode and they say and spin every question to land back on their “platform”.

Obama Platform – “I’m fresh and new and young and sort of black”.

McCain Platform – “I’m a hero and really experienced and tow-the-line but buck-the-system and I am not THAT old”.

Who cares?

Are you honest? I think “yes” to both. Will you always try to do the right thing, even if a hot intern shows up in your office with a box of cubans? Gaad I hope so!!! ("Hot" is a stretch - "willing" maybe.) I'm over-simplifying, as there are numerous things I need to think about before November - what kind of court appointments would these guys make? What kind of cabinet do I think they'll put together? How will they work with congress? But in general, most topics could use a little simplifying.

So I guess I’ll sit back and enjoy the very best thing about an election year: Saturday Night Live! “Obama wants universal health care. Really? Healthcare for the entire universe? Even Osama bin Laden!? No way. No how. No-bama.” Har har!! SNL is roughly 10 times funnier during a presidential race. And now John Stuart and Steven Colbert get their cuts in too.

I have no idea who I’m voting for. But for once, think I win either way.

Lena, God and Universe

As I read of my sister and nephew’s recent encounter with Buddhism, I was reminded of this recent conversation I had with my 17 year old daughter, Lena.

Me: Get up Lena
Lena: (silence)
Five minutes later.
Me: Get up Lena
Lena: (silence)
Five minutes later.
Me: Get up Lena
Lena: (steady breathing – nice sleeping noises)
Me: We’re going to be late for church if you don’t get up.
Lena: I don’t want to go to church.
Me: I didn’t really ask if you wanted to go to church.
Lena: Why should I have to go to church?
Me: Because it’s good for you. In fact it’s good for the family. In fact it’s good for the whole world.
Lena: You don’t even know what I believe. You’ve never asked me what I believe.
Me: OK – What do you believe? (I’m such a sucker.)
Lena: Well – I’m not sure. But it’s not that! Church makes no sense.
Me: Especially when it cuts into your sleep time.
Lena: I shouldn’t have to go to church. It should be a choice.
Me: Soon enough it will be a choice. And I’m sure you will spend most of your twenty’s avoiding it like the plague - like we all did. Unless you start dating some cute, nice boy that attends church religiously – no pun intended – in which case you’ll find God most illuminating. Now, please get up and get ready for church.
Lena: If you make me go I’ll hate church forever and never go as an adult.
Me: Everyone questions their faith periodically - and usually in their teens and twenty’s.
Lena: Well the whole God and Jesus thing just doesn’t make sense. And even if I believed in that I don’t see why I would have to go to church. I can not go to church and still pray.
Me: I’m confused. What was your point again? You want to sleep more? Is that the basic premise we’re working from?
Lena: No. I just don’t know what I believe and church doesn’t make sense. So it’s not for me.
Me: What makes more sense?
Lena: Evolution – The Big Bang.
Me: I agree - that does make sense. But I don’t think that eliminates God. What about before that?
Lena: Before what?
Me: Before the Big Bang.
Lena: I don’t know!
Me: Exactly. Me neither. So there – I run rings round’ you logically.
Lena: What?
Me: Never mind – just one of my favorite lines ever. Anyway, when I was near your age I remember a walk in the woods in Waters, Michigan with your Grandpa Zimmerman where I was sharing some of these same thoughts. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but here are some of the things I took from it. No matter what you believe, you’ll have to believe in something. And that means faith. And things come from somewhere. I don’t know where, and our puny brains can’t expand past the concepts of life, love, universe, time being relative, and why Paris Hilton is famous. But once you come around to figuring out you need to believe in something, then Jesus, the bible and church looks pretty good. There’s lots of stuff there that reinforces the things I believe: people are basically good but imperfect; be nice; forgive; take care of the people you love; don’t steal; don’t lie; use nice language; don’t covet your neighbors stuff – you know, wife, pets, snow blower. You follow?
Lena: I believe that stuff, too. But I don’t see why I would have to go to church to believe that stuff.
Me: That is actually a pretty good point. When we miss church, we don’t lose our values. Hopefully. But why do you think you believe that stuff in the first place?
Lena: I learned that stuff from you – and from mom.
Me: Where do you think we got it?
Lena: Your parents.
Me: Ah, you know your grandparents. And where do you suppose they got their values?
Lena: Their parents?
Me: Have you ever heard about Fati (sp - Vater?)? Anyway, where do you think they got their beliefs?
Lena: You’re going to keep doing this until I say church or we get back to the big bang or something aren’t you.
Me: I was planning on stopping around the 18^th century with inaccurate references to our puritan and tyrannical forefathers. And, you know, like, the Spanish inquisition is not a stellar period for Christianity either. Have you read the Three Musketeers? All these things are great ammunition for your premise about church not representing what you believe. But I’m getting off point here.
Lena: So do I have to go to church?
Me: Yep. It’s either that or you have to listen to me go on with my erroneous views of history, the church and our ancestry.
Lena: I’m going I’m going!
Me: I knew you’d see it my way.

This is not an exact recounting - but close enough for my blog. Along the same lines as this topic, and for my sister’s benefit, I think I may have gotten fired from both Sunday school teaching and the confirmation group, too. No idea why. For that reference you’ll have to visit www.theselfrighteoushousewife.blogspot.com

The Mail Box

Many years ago, when my family was growing and it seemed the right time to buy a house, we did. It was a house that needed a lot of work. I mean, A LOT OF WORK! Even so, the only way to afford a mortgage and have money to fix up the house was to rid ourselves of a car payment. So I sold my car and bought a motorcycle.

I was managing a hotel in Birmingham, Alabama and needed to be dressed appropriately each day. So I took all my suit coats and sport coats and put them in the closet in my office. In this way I could dress for the day, throw on a waist coat (not to be confused with an English waist coat) and ride to work. The idea was I should have to do this for about a year. I should achieve a decent bonus the next spring and that would dictate what car I would be able to buy. This all went as planned; but not without a logistical challenge here and there.

We had a two year old and a new born. So obviously, we were very busy as we sanded floors, repaired drywall, painted, poured cement, etc…. But there was one item that had been identified by my then-spouse as the defining improvement. “I’ll know we’ve really arrived when that mailbox is replaced.”

The mailbox was a standard box on a pole - a pole bent at about a 20 degree angle. From the rust on the pole, I judged it had been hit and bent sometime during the Nixon era. (For a reference point, I believe this was the Bush era – Sr. not Jr.) It didn’t seem to be hampering our ability to receive mail, so it wasn’t at the top of my list of priorities. But I knew it was important to someone else, so after a few weeks in the house, I decided to take care of it.

As a surprise, I took a day off when no one would be home, and set to work on replacing the mailbox. Me having a motorcycle, and trying to do this on the QT, I had to shuttle a new mailbox, cement, and mailbox stand on my motorcycle. This ended up taking much of the morning, at the end of which I couldn’t find my wallet. I retraced my steps numerous times – actually walking the two miles to and from the Home Depot - but no wallet.

As I was standing in the living room looking out the front window, on the phone canceling my credit cards, I noticed something jammed down by the back wheel on my motorcycle. Sure enough, my wallet must have fallen out of my back pocket and, luckily, wedged itself by the wheel. Back in business!! And time to get to work.

I set about digging up the old pole. But every time I stuck my shovel in the dirt I hit cement. No matter how far I was getting away from the pole, I was still hitting cement. It turned out that no post hole was dug here. Visions of a back-hoe and a case of beer flitted across my consciousness as I pictured a couple of friends laughing and putting this thing in back in 1970. "I'd hate to be the guy who ever tries to replace this mailbox! HAHAHAHAH..."

Hours later, I had the excavation complete. But there was a hole 5 feet wide. So I decided that to get the new box stable, I better move it. In order to figure out the correct depth, I pieced together the new stand/fancy pole - then dug the hole. (Stay with me) But the pole needed to be taken back apart for assembly to the mailbox. Two hammers, a crow bar, skinned knuckles, and another hour later, the fancy pole was bent worse than the original - time for another trip to Home Depot for a new fancy pole.

As the sun was setting, and I still had not completed the mail box, I knew I was out of time. I was tired, sore and frustrated as I sat heavily in the middle of the front yard… atop a large fire ant colony. As the ants swarmed up my wrists and ankles, I thought I heard a tiny little voice yell “NOW!” as they bit down in unison and I ran for the hose. I estimate that I amassed around 40 or 50 little red welts. As I rinsed the ants off I was feeling lucky to have not been bitten more. But I knew I had one more trip to the store to make.

Back from that final errand with a six pack, and darkness setting in, I drank a beer and admired the beautiful Alabama evening, and wondered where my friends with a back-hoe and case of beer might be.