The Best Fit for Me

It’s time for my annual mid-season observations of my home town football team, the Detroit Lions. The observations don’t actually differ year to year; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

This morning I read that the Lions are planning to sign Daunte Cullpepper.

"As a result of doing some research on different places to play, the Detroit Lions seemed to be the best fit for me," Culpepper told The Associated Press in an e-mail. "I am encouraged by the commitment of ownership, the vision of management and the great potential of the talent that is on the team."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Kiss Ass!!

I must confess that I am skeptical – Daunte’s research on different places to play seems somewhat... how shall I say, "questionable?". It is tempting to try to read between the lines here, inferring any or all of the following thoughts:

• I’m such a loser that loser-ville seems like the best fit for me.
• Since no-one from the CFL has offered me a job, the Lions look like the best fit for me.
• Since I currently do not have any job, any job looks like the best fit for me.

But on second (fifth) thought, maybe it IS the perfect job opportunity. I am reminded of when I was young and in my prime, and I was offered my first General Manager job at Marriott.

Boss: We have a couple openings, so you can choose which one you want.
Me: Really? Where?
Boss: Louisville and Toledo
Me: Hasn’t Louisville been the best performing hotel for the past 5 years?
Boss: Yep. A real jewel. Award winner on every level. And the most profitable too!
Me: And Toledo?
Boss: A real dog. No one wants to be there. It is losing money and in receivership so it has a horrible reputation. No matter what anyone tries it seems to fail.
Me: Toledo here I come!!

So it is easy to see what must have happened with Daunte:

Daunte: Hey Mr. Agent, I’ve got my handicap down to a 4. Anyone out there in need of a quarterback?
Mr. Agent: Well Brady is down. The Patriots can’t seem to win without him.
Daunte: You mean the New England Patriots? The best team in the NFL the last five years? The NFL franchise that wins awards on every level? And is the most profitable, too?
Mr. Agent: That’s the one.
Daunte: Shit! I don’t think so!! Only one direction to go – and it ain’t up! What about Detroit?
Mr. Agent: A real dog. No one wants to be there. It is losing money and in receivership so it has a horrible reputation. No matter what anyone tries it seems to fail.
Daunte: Lions here I come!!

One win and Daunte’s a hero!

It also reminds me of an old Abbott and Costello bit. I’m paraphrasing, so apologies to the original:

Costello: If I get married I want to marry a homely, unattractive girl.
Abbott: Why is that?
Costello: Because if you have a wife, she might run away on you.
Abbott: Isn’t a homely, unattractive girl just as likely to run away on you?
Costello: Yeah; but who cares?

If I sound a bit jaded, I apologize. But really, the Lions are 0-8. And by mid-season, every stinkin’ year, we must face reality. We suck - affectionately for sure - but suck, just the same.

So here it is – time for this year’s battle cry – mid-way through the football season we are faced with our sporting reality, and with all due respect and sincere wishes of good luck to Daunte –

GO PISTONS!!