Say What?

I have this phrase I use when talking about flights from Phoenix to LA or Vegas or Denver, etc.., that it’s like catching a bus, because they go every few minutes and it’s pretty cheap.

I was reading the Chicago Tribune this morning and there was an article about how O’hare is the second busiest airport (to Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson).  89.3 million people flew in, out or thru Atlanta in 2011. 923,991 flights.

That got me thinking about my phrase about flying out of Phoenix, and about growing up when flying was a pretty big deal, and someone saying, “some day, flying will be as common as catching a bus.”  So I’m thinking about this, and I’m thinking, “when was the last time I caught a bus?”  It may be back in about 1971, when sister Jude and I caught a bus for siblings weekend with sister Deb at MSU.  Where we convinced ourselves we were on the wrong bus, because the bus driver told us we were on the bus to “How!” and we couldn’t understand he was saying “Howell”; and that wouldn’t really of helped anyway because we knew we were supposed to be going to East Lansing and… wait a minute.  That would have made us 9 and 11 years old.  Boy.  Times have changed.

So any how – flying has absolutely NEVER been like catching a bus for me.  So let’s think of other phrases that are outdated or losing meaning or just plain confusing, but we use them anyway.  Here we go: 

• Any how...
• Is that all she wrote?
• It’s not over till’ the fat lady sings.
• Man Alive!
• Jesus H. Christ! (I think I got that one from my mom?  I said it a recently and one of my kids were like, “What’s the “H” stand for?”  And I’m like, “Horatio!”
• You are the cat’s pajamas!
• No shit Sherlock (Never mind – I’m keeping that one.  I still like it.)
• Holy Cow!

OK, now everyone join in...

I Miss the Safety Patrol, Paper Boys and Riding my Bike Helmetless

As I was reading my sisters witty blog about our elementary school days in the Safety Patrol, I was reminded of some of the many differences in how my children have been brought up, vs. the social fabric of when I was growing up. I know that many people - as they age - wax philosophically on the society they grew up, saying or implying it was a better time… morally and/or idealistically. I am surely NOT doing that. The world is becoming a more informed and compassionate place – of that I’m sure.

But there are times when I observe the evolution of things that, with the best of intentions, took something away from our kids’ youth. Here are a few:

No More Safety PatrolI understand that putting the 5th grader in charge looks silly now. But really, it was great for the 5th grader. It was the first place I can remember learning a bit about responsibility and – as Judy said – being in charge. Unlike 5th grade girls though, I’ve never had a palpable desire to be in charge – but it seems I’ve always had a job where I am in charge. And I think the trend started with the Safety Patrol. I wanted to do it. I wanted the responsibility. And as silly as it may sound, I took it seriously. This is not a developmental opportunity my kids have had. When they were in elementary school, the closest thing I can think of would be student politics. But that is often a popularity contest. Safety Patrol was not. (In fact, it may have been the opposite). But I was never drawn to student government. And yet, whenever I had a job, I tended to end up in charge. (Son Frank ran for 5th grade class president within weeks of having transferred to a new school. He didn’t win of course, but that took cahones!)

No More Paper Boys
Have you noticed how creepy the newspaper delivery person has become? Don’t you miss the kid that rode his bike around the neighborhood and threw newspapers on porches? I was that kid! (At least for a while). And I was dying to do it. Despite 4am wake ups, an uphill paper route, and a creepy old guy I’d never collect from because he scared the crap out of me – I REALLY wanted to be a paper-boy! (Even after being an egg-delivery boy in the snow.) So when I hit that 11 year old age limit, I became that paper-boy. It was a rite of passage.

Safety Helmets
OK, helmets are good – bike helmets are great – when you are on a bike. But have you seen the little kid in a mall on a leash with a bike helmet on? There is such a thing as over kill. I just had to throw that one in because life has SOME risk, and we have to teach our kids to understand that, too.

Cell Phones
As parent it is great to be able to get a message to and from your kids anytime you want. It gives me much peace of mind. On the other hand… when we didn’t have that ability, kids had to develop more responsibility earlier, so as to effectively manage their time. In addition, we all had to plan a lot better, and be more punctual. If you weren’t on that corner at that time for that ride; you probably were walking. I don’t think this is really a better or worse sort of thing. There are clear advantages to more immediate communications in all walks of life. But it is different, and we therefore developed different habits at different times based on these realities. I’m not sure how much I would have liked my mom knowing exactly where I was every minute; nor do I think she would have wanted to know. But now we can GPS track our kids by their phones. Yikes! The danger I see in this one is making sure we develop trust. I know parents who track their kids and drug test their kids and go through their texts and drawers; even when the kids have given them no reason not to trust them. Trust is a pretty basic root of strong relationships. But that kind of invasiveness is not teaching them to trust – just the opposite.

So anyway – chime in with bitter-sweet things from your youth that have changed……

Senator Weiner - Need I Say More?

Senator Weiner, can you just answer the one question? Is it really that hard? To answer the question, I mean.

Rarely does a story come along begging to be made fun of with this sort of volume. (At least to the average guy - of any age - because wiener jokes are agelessly hilarious!) Since I believe Anthony, that someone else posted his package – not him – I have been holding back, pressure ever mounting. But as of this morning, a few salient factors hit me:

- With some wit and humility on the wiener’s part, this thing wouldn’t even be a story.
- When one is thrust into the spotlight, it is an opportunity to perform. It’s not the size of the spotlight that counts; but how you use the spotlight.
- He’s a Senator – if he didn’t like the spotlight or being called wiener - a career change would be in order. As well as a name change.
- Senator Weiner won’t answer the basic question, is it Wiener’s wiener?
- He’s acting like, well, a wiener!

So all bets are off!!

I initially felt bad for him with the reality that he has gone through life with the wiener-thing . And I do feel bad that, obviously as a result of all that teasing growing up, he had no choice for a career but to go into politics; taking him from wiener squared to wiener cubed. But, Gods sake, man up wiener boy!

If Senator Weiner went for a ride in the wiener-mobile, and while on that ride tweeted out a pic of his wiener, he would be… a whining wiener named Wiener in a wiener tweeting his wiener. Whew!! I feel much better now.

I think Senator Weiner has opportunistically used his name to his advantage. Let’s face it, the same bully that stuffed him in the locker in the 7th grade, went straight to the polls to vote from the local pub after calling in sick on Election Day, saw “Weiner” on the ballot, had no real knowledge of whom Weiner or his opponent was, and went, “Heehee!! Weiner!? Hell yes! That’s whom I ‘m voting for. (Internal dialogue, of course.)

Not long ago, pulsating with rage at the republicans, Weiner decried NPR’s Car Talk as “pollution of the airwaves”. OK, so he was actually being sarcastic. But I had to look twice, because, he was acting, well, like a wiener.

And while we are on the subject of “taking pictures of your junk”, who EVER thinks this can be a good idea? If you get the urge to open your pants and snap your wiener, JUST SAY NO! (Or in general, say NO to taking a picture of that region, pants on or not) Guys, I’m just going to say this once. The most promiscuous, sexually active, open minded, heterosexual woman in the world will have the same reaction to receiving that picture as your sister would. It will NOT be “wow.. look at that wiener – that makes me hot”. No, it will just be “EWE!!

Everything I Needed to Know to Run Trump Enterprises I learned in Kindergarten

Donald Trump told the folks on a national morning show that he is contemplating running for president. Since Bill Cosby was on the same show a little later in the morning, they asked him about this idea of the Donald running for president, and Bill said, “The only thing he’s running is his mouth. He should run or shut up”. Or words to that effect.

Donald issued a statement that said, “Oh yeah Bill!? Well you’re a poopy-face and you like Obama more than me and that hurts my feelings!!” Or words to that effect. OK, his actual statement was….

While I have never been a fan of Cosby’s, I had always assumed he liked or respected me because every time I met him…. he was always so nice, saying, ‘let’s get together’ – asking me out to dinner, and being polite to the point of offering to buy me a suit because he has a ‘great tailor.’”

“In any event, as I watched the show, the subject of Donald Trump came up. I was surprised to hear him blabber, somewhat incoherently, ‘you run or shut up.’ The hatred was pouring out of his eyes when he said this.”

“I wish he would be more honest, and if he doesn’t want me to run because he’s obviously an Obama fan, he should state the reasons and not come into my “green room” in front of numerous witnesses and treat me like his best friend, only to denigrate me when I’m not around. Sadly, he got more attention talking about me than he did on the merits of his own appearance—maybe he is not as dumb as I thought.”In other words, Oh yeah Bill!? Well you’re a poopy-face and you like Obama more than me and that hurts my feelings!!”
The Donald may be a savvy businessman, but I can’t help but be concerned at the prospect of how he would respond to, oh, say, Muammar Gaddafi.

Gaddafi: You arrogant American with bad hair – you think you can tell the rest of the world how to behave!
The Donald: Oh yeah? Well you’re a poopy-face!
Gaddafi: You are Satan!
The Donald: That hurts my feelings – I wish you would be more honest that you like Obama more than me and not act like you like me in front of all the heads of state. Sadly, you get more attention calling me names than speaking about your own civil war. Maybe you are not as dumb as I thought. You’re fired!!
Gaddafi: You can’t fire me. I’m going to stay here until I die.
The Donald: You think I can’t see the hatred flowing from your eyes?
Gaddafi: That’s not hatred; it’s hair gel.
The Donald: If you were to come on my new show, The Despot Apprentice, I could fire you.
Gaddafi: I will never go on American TV. Look what it has done to your hair. See mine? I bet you wish you had a head of hair like mine!
The Donald: Well that’s not fair. My WIFE wishes she had a head of hair as thick and curly as yours.
Gaddafi: Which one?
The Donald: Poopie-face Dictator!!!

See? We’d get nowhere.

I like my presidents with a little more diplomacy. I don’t think Mr. Trump has the humility to pull it off. At least Bill Clinton – sociopath that he is – recognizes that there are situations in which you need to ACT like you have humility. “I did not have sex with that girl…” “OK you got me, it was sort of sex, but I’m very sorry ( I got caught…)” Oh heck – that’s a whole nother topic. Hey! That’s not a real phrase!! Whole another… other… tuther…. What’s that short for?

Bombs and Morals

LOS ANGELES, Dec. 1 (UPI) -- The U.S. physicist who promoted the controversial concept of the neutron bomb, designed to kill troops but leave battlefields intact, has died, his family says.
Samuel T. Cohen died Sunday at his home in Los Angeles, The New York Times reported.
He died from complications of stomach cancer, his son Paul said.

In contrast to strategic warheads, which can kill millions and level cities, neutron bombs use subatomic particles to kill enemy troops with radiation but leave battlefields and cities relatively undamaged.

While critics questioned the usefulness, logic and ethics of killing people and sparing property, Cohen called his bomb a "sane" and "moral" weapon.

I don’t think of myself as very critical, but I have to question the ethics of that myself - that’s a relative statement. But, as Samuel T. Cohen was active on the Manhattan Project, and if you’re in the middle of that, I guess it was a moral conundrum from the get-go…

Los Alamos Canteen – 1939

Einstein: I sink ve’ve done it! Fission!! If vee can harnez it, eet vell be zee ultimate deterrent, as eet vould deeztroy ev-ery-sing in a maszive area for decadez!! Vell my boy, vhat do you sink of zat?
Cohen: Do we have to destroy everything? It seems like such a waste. There must be a more sane and moral answer…
Einstein: No no! You’re miszzng zee point, you simple UCLA frat-boy! It should be a DEE-TERENT!
Cohen: Oh sure. Easy for the genius to start name calling. Who do you think you are? Einste.…. wait for it…... hmmmm….. da Vinci??
Einstein: I zink yoo conteenue to miz zee point, Dr. Cohen. By zee way, are you related to zee musical Cohen? I luv zee show tunes…
Cohen: Now who’s missing the point, Mr. “I’m-so-smart-my-names-a-synonym-for-smart”. That would be George M. “Co-HAN” – And by the by - didn’t you used to be a pacifist? Someday, I’m going to find a way to destroy people, but leave the lovely architecture. Bukoo savings for the occupying country in rebuilding. Wouldn’t you say that’s a more sane and moral approach?
Einstein: Oh Hitler’s Beard!! I’m zoorrounded by morons………. wait, you don’t sink anyone would actually drop one of zees on anyone, do you? ………………………..

Hey, why did they call it the Manhattan Project when it was in Los Alamos, New Mexico? I don’t think they were working on anything in Manhattan called, “The Los Alamos Project”. Come to think of it though, the Koreans have produced cars called Santa Fe and Taos. So I guess it all makes sense in the end.

But personally, I’d have to put the Neutron Bomb on the same moral playing field as the Atomic Bomb. Now if we could come up with a bomb that knocked down buildings but left everyone alive…. That would be a morality step in the right direction.

In fact, it would reduce unemployment – put all those survivors to work on re-construction projects. We could call it, the Pro-life Bomb. Although the Generals might confuse that connotation and think any mission that’s begun with the deployment of the Pro-life bomb is a mission that cannot be aborted.

Maybe I’m missing the point, too. Ah well, Rest In Peace, Dr. Cohen.

The Plight of the Female Politician

Yesterday I made jokes about both Nancy Pelosi and Sarah Palin. It reminded me of making gay jokes, because I felt compelled to follow it up with a defensive disclaimer, that being “Not that I have anything against female politicians!”

We do, indeed, have double standards when it comes to women in power. Often it seems like the only way they can rise in the ranks is to be tougher than their male counterparts – which then makes them look cold and heartless. Here’s a quick inventory of three high-profile female politicians and my immediate reactions to each:

Hillary Clinton – “Ick!”
Nancy Palosi – “Ack!”
Sarah Palin – “Yikes!”

Not that I have anything against female politicians ;)

Really though, the rise of female politicians is long overdue. Where did Diane Feinstein go? I’d vote for her. In fact, I think I once did. The current situation is likely a result of a confluence of social events and political evolution. Politically, in our current system you have to become a career politician to rise to power – coupled with the fact you must be quite rich as well. Those factors, along with the advent of women’s rights and equality finally starting to catch up, pretty much requires they give up most of their personal lives to get themselves into the public eye (See realty shows, stupid overly-opinionated statements and Dancing With the Stars) – without which they are “below the radar” and un-electable. As my dad would point out, that’s not really what our forefathers had in mind. I’ll take my own political temperature here by gauging my reactions to a few political realities:

Career Politicians – “Ick!
Left wing ultra-liberals – “Ack!”
Right wing ultra conservatives – “Yikes!”

Do you think there’s a chance we could ever have representatives that actually looked like the electorate? Instead of a bunch of lawyers, maybe a teacher, a doctor, a small business owner…. Let me try each of those out with my very un-scientific gut-check meter:

Lawyer – “Ick!”
Lawyer – “Ack!”
Lawyer – “Yikes!”

Or

Teacher – “hmmm”
Doctor – “OK – but remember there are other egos in the room, please”
Small Business Owner – “Wow!”

Yes I like this system already! So, Captains of Industry, here’s my fix for the system:

6 year single term Congress
6 year single term President
Judicial system? I’m OK with the way that’s going. I’m sure they’ll all be glad
to hear that.

I guess one argument against this type of system would be that with no insiders, how would they get anything done? Well…. most teachers, doctors and business owners I know are at least as smart as the politicians I know. Perhaps they’d eliminate the large staffs and layers of bureaucracy to simplify the dialogue, thus leading to more direct and open communication among the actual congress(wo)men. I know I know – I’m an optimist!

Oops – what was I talking about again? Oh yeah – females in politics - the current crop being Ick, Ack and Yikes. Well, I’m looking forward to a new crop – hopefully Hmmm, OK and Wow.

You never know. It COULD hap…. Hey! What was that!? I think a monkey just flew out of my butt!!

The Mother of Invention

I thought Id take a few minutes to review some of the most recent technological advancements hitting the market – here is a sampling:


Talk and Text
In the interest of safety and convenience, this new invention allows your smart phone to pick up your speech and convert it to text, thus allowing you to speak out loud and send your thoughts to the intended recipient of your message. I assume the next safety advancement will convert it on the other end, converting text to voice, thus not having to read the screen and allowing the receiver to keep their eyes on the road. Hmmm….. if these advancements keep up, pretty soon people will actually be able to talk back and forth in real time like a pho…… hmmmmmm. Well, let’s move on.

You are the Controller
This is the latest game advancement – instead of a hand controller, you actually move around, and a sensor picks up your movement, and projects the image of you moving around on the screen. Like looking at your reflection in a mir…. hmmmmm. Well, the other part of this is that other people with the same system can be doing the same thing, and then you are both projected on the screen with the help of the internet, like you are actually interacting and jumping around together, and well like you’re danc…. Hmmmmm. OK – So there seems to be a circular pattern to some of these advancements. If we keep this up, we will advance ourselves right into the 1960’s. Let’s move on and see what’s next.

Smell-o-vision
I just read that some clever Japanese inventors figured out a way to use ordinary fax machines as an enhancement to your high-def TV’s as a way of delivering Smell-O-Vision to your home. You simply replace the cartridge with an odoriffic cartridge….

OK, I’ve had enough. If everyone wants to simulate life instead of live it, that’s one thing. I don’t want to smell the alley in the shoot out – the cats in the cat-lady’s house – the formaldehyde in the morgue. To be perfectly honest, I think one of the best attributes of watching TV is I DON’T have to smell what’s on my screen.

So gadgetry is intriguing – but the more advanced things get, the more life-like they get. And life being what life is – that being finite – here’s what I’m thinking. Instead of simulating a conversation, have one. Instead of jumping around with a friend on TV – jump around with one you can touch. And when your loved ones are not close? Yes, that’s the best application for this technology. But if it’s all the same to you, I’ll take a shower before we get together to jump around.

I like real time smells. Smell-O-Vision would greatly effect what shows I would like to watch. Good bye CSI – Hello Nature Channel. Hmmm….. ;)