Everything I Needed to Know to Run Trump Enterprises I learned in Kindergarten

Donald Trump told the folks on a national morning show that he is contemplating running for president. Since Bill Cosby was on the same show a little later in the morning, they asked him about this idea of the Donald running for president, and Bill said, “The only thing he’s running is his mouth. He should run or shut up”. Or words to that effect.

Donald issued a statement that said, “Oh yeah Bill!? Well you’re a poopy-face and you like Obama more than me and that hurts my feelings!!” Or words to that effect. OK, his actual statement was….

While I have never been a fan of Cosby’s, I had always assumed he liked or respected me because every time I met him…. he was always so nice, saying, ‘let’s get together’ – asking me out to dinner, and being polite to the point of offering to buy me a suit because he has a ‘great tailor.’”

“In any event, as I watched the show, the subject of Donald Trump came up. I was surprised to hear him blabber, somewhat incoherently, ‘you run or shut up.’ The hatred was pouring out of his eyes when he said this.”

“I wish he would be more honest, and if he doesn’t want me to run because he’s obviously an Obama fan, he should state the reasons and not come into my “green room” in front of numerous witnesses and treat me like his best friend, only to denigrate me when I’m not around. Sadly, he got more attention talking about me than he did on the merits of his own appearance—maybe he is not as dumb as I thought.”In other words, Oh yeah Bill!? Well you’re a poopy-face and you like Obama more than me and that hurts my feelings!!”
The Donald may be a savvy businessman, but I can’t help but be concerned at the prospect of how he would respond to, oh, say, Muammar Gaddafi.

Gaddafi: You arrogant American with bad hair – you think you can tell the rest of the world how to behave!
The Donald: Oh yeah? Well you’re a poopy-face!
Gaddafi: You are Satan!
The Donald: That hurts my feelings – I wish you would be more honest that you like Obama more than me and not act like you like me in front of all the heads of state. Sadly, you get more attention calling me names than speaking about your own civil war. Maybe you are not as dumb as I thought. You’re fired!!
Gaddafi: You can’t fire me. I’m going to stay here until I die.
The Donald: You think I can’t see the hatred flowing from your eyes?
Gaddafi: That’s not hatred; it’s hair gel.
The Donald: If you were to come on my new show, The Despot Apprentice, I could fire you.
Gaddafi: I will never go on American TV. Look what it has done to your hair. See mine? I bet you wish you had a head of hair like mine!
The Donald: Well that’s not fair. My WIFE wishes she had a head of hair as thick and curly as yours.
Gaddafi: Which one?
The Donald: Poopie-face Dictator!!!

See? We’d get nowhere.

I like my presidents with a little more diplomacy. I don’t think Mr. Trump has the humility to pull it off. At least Bill Clinton – sociopath that he is – recognizes that there are situations in which you need to ACT like you have humility. “I did not have sex with that girl…” “OK you got me, it was sort of sex, but I’m very sorry ( I got caught…)” Oh heck – that’s a whole nother topic. Hey! That’s not a real phrase!! Whole another… other… tuther…. What’s that short for?

Bombs and Morals

LOS ANGELES, Dec. 1 (UPI) -- The U.S. physicist who promoted the controversial concept of the neutron bomb, designed to kill troops but leave battlefields intact, has died, his family says.
Samuel T. Cohen died Sunday at his home in Los Angeles, The New York Times reported.
He died from complications of stomach cancer, his son Paul said.

In contrast to strategic warheads, which can kill millions and level cities, neutron bombs use subatomic particles to kill enemy troops with radiation but leave battlefields and cities relatively undamaged.

While critics questioned the usefulness, logic and ethics of killing people and sparing property, Cohen called his bomb a "sane" and "moral" weapon.

I don’t think of myself as very critical, but I have to question the ethics of that myself - that’s a relative statement. But, as Samuel T. Cohen was active on the Manhattan Project, and if you’re in the middle of that, I guess it was a moral conundrum from the get-go…

Los Alamos Canteen – 1939

Einstein: I sink ve’ve done it! Fission!! If vee can harnez it, eet vell be zee ultimate deterrent, as eet vould deeztroy ev-ery-sing in a maszive area for decadez!! Vell my boy, vhat do you sink of zat?
Cohen: Do we have to destroy everything? It seems like such a waste. There must be a more sane and moral answer…
Einstein: No no! You’re miszzng zee point, you simple UCLA frat-boy! It should be a DEE-TERENT!
Cohen: Oh sure. Easy for the genius to start name calling. Who do you think you are? Einste.…. wait for it…... hmmmm….. da Vinci??
Einstein: I zink yoo conteenue to miz zee point, Dr. Cohen. By zee way, are you related to zee musical Cohen? I luv zee show tunes…
Cohen: Now who’s missing the point, Mr. “I’m-so-smart-my-names-a-synonym-for-smart”. That would be George M. “Co-HAN” – And by the by - didn’t you used to be a pacifist? Someday, I’m going to find a way to destroy people, but leave the lovely architecture. Bukoo savings for the occupying country in rebuilding. Wouldn’t you say that’s a more sane and moral approach?
Einstein: Oh Hitler’s Beard!! I’m zoorrounded by morons………. wait, you don’t sink anyone would actually drop one of zees on anyone, do you? ………………………..

Hey, why did they call it the Manhattan Project when it was in Los Alamos, New Mexico? I don’t think they were working on anything in Manhattan called, “The Los Alamos Project”. Come to think of it though, the Koreans have produced cars called Santa Fe and Taos. So I guess it all makes sense in the end.

But personally, I’d have to put the Neutron Bomb on the same moral playing field as the Atomic Bomb. Now if we could come up with a bomb that knocked down buildings but left everyone alive…. That would be a morality step in the right direction.

In fact, it would reduce unemployment – put all those survivors to work on re-construction projects. We could call it, the Pro-life Bomb. Although the Generals might confuse that connotation and think any mission that’s begun with the deployment of the Pro-life bomb is a mission that cannot be aborted.

Maybe I’m missing the point, too. Ah well, Rest In Peace, Dr. Cohen.

The Plight of the Female Politician

Yesterday I made jokes about both Nancy Pelosi and Sarah Palin. It reminded me of making gay jokes, because I felt compelled to follow it up with a defensive disclaimer, that being “Not that I have anything against female politicians!”

We do, indeed, have double standards when it comes to women in power. Often it seems like the only way they can rise in the ranks is to be tougher than their male counterparts – which then makes them look cold and heartless. Here’s a quick inventory of three high-profile female politicians and my immediate reactions to each:

Hillary Clinton – “Ick!”
Nancy Palosi – “Ack!”
Sarah Palin – “Yikes!”

Not that I have anything against female politicians ;)

Really though, the rise of female politicians is long overdue. Where did Diane Feinstein go? I’d vote for her. In fact, I think I once did. The current situation is likely a result of a confluence of social events and political evolution. Politically, in our current system you have to become a career politician to rise to power – coupled with the fact you must be quite rich as well. Those factors, along with the advent of women’s rights and equality finally starting to catch up, pretty much requires they give up most of their personal lives to get themselves into the public eye (See realty shows, stupid overly-opinionated statements and Dancing With the Stars) – without which they are “below the radar” and un-electable. As my dad would point out, that’s not really what our forefathers had in mind. I’ll take my own political temperature here by gauging my reactions to a few political realities:

Career Politicians – “Ick!
Left wing ultra-liberals – “Ack!”
Right wing ultra conservatives – “Yikes!”

Do you think there’s a chance we could ever have representatives that actually looked like the electorate? Instead of a bunch of lawyers, maybe a teacher, a doctor, a small business owner…. Let me try each of those out with my very un-scientific gut-check meter:

Lawyer – “Ick!”
Lawyer – “Ack!”
Lawyer – “Yikes!”

Or

Teacher – “hmmm”
Doctor – “OK – but remember there are other egos in the room, please”
Small Business Owner – “Wow!”

Yes I like this system already! So, Captains of Industry, here’s my fix for the system:

6 year single term Congress
6 year single term President
Judicial system? I’m OK with the way that’s going. I’m sure they’ll all be glad
to hear that.

I guess one argument against this type of system would be that with no insiders, how would they get anything done? Well…. most teachers, doctors and business owners I know are at least as smart as the politicians I know. Perhaps they’d eliminate the large staffs and layers of bureaucracy to simplify the dialogue, thus leading to more direct and open communication among the actual congress(wo)men. I know I know – I’m an optimist!

Oops – what was I talking about again? Oh yeah – females in politics - the current crop being Ick, Ack and Yikes. Well, I’m looking forward to a new crop – hopefully Hmmm, OK and Wow.

You never know. It COULD hap…. Hey! What was that!? I think a monkey just flew out of my butt!!

The Mother of Invention

I thought Id take a few minutes to review some of the most recent technological advancements hitting the market – here is a sampling:


Talk and Text
In the interest of safety and convenience, this new invention allows your smart phone to pick up your speech and convert it to text, thus allowing you to speak out loud and send your thoughts to the intended recipient of your message. I assume the next safety advancement will convert it on the other end, converting text to voice, thus not having to read the screen and allowing the receiver to keep their eyes on the road. Hmmm….. if these advancements keep up, pretty soon people will actually be able to talk back and forth in real time like a pho…… hmmmmmm. Well, let’s move on.

You are the Controller
This is the latest game advancement – instead of a hand controller, you actually move around, and a sensor picks up your movement, and projects the image of you moving around on the screen. Like looking at your reflection in a mir…. hmmmmm. Well, the other part of this is that other people with the same system can be doing the same thing, and then you are both projected on the screen with the help of the internet, like you are actually interacting and jumping around together, and well like you’re danc…. Hmmmmm. OK – So there seems to be a circular pattern to some of these advancements. If we keep this up, we will advance ourselves right into the 1960’s. Let’s move on and see what’s next.

Smell-o-vision
I just read that some clever Japanese inventors figured out a way to use ordinary fax machines as an enhancement to your high-def TV’s as a way of delivering Smell-O-Vision to your home. You simply replace the cartridge with an odoriffic cartridge….

OK, I’ve had enough. If everyone wants to simulate life instead of live it, that’s one thing. I don’t want to smell the alley in the shoot out – the cats in the cat-lady’s house – the formaldehyde in the morgue. To be perfectly honest, I think one of the best attributes of watching TV is I DON’T have to smell what’s on my screen.

So gadgetry is intriguing – but the more advanced things get, the more life-like they get. And life being what life is – that being finite – here’s what I’m thinking. Instead of simulating a conversation, have one. Instead of jumping around with a friend on TV – jump around with one you can touch. And when your loved ones are not close? Yes, that’s the best application for this technology. But if it’s all the same to you, I’ll take a shower before we get together to jump around.

I like real time smells. Smell-O-Vision would greatly effect what shows I would like to watch. Good bye CSI – Hello Nature Channel. Hmmm….. ;)

Underwear Odessy

For the vast majority of my life I have been a tighty-whitey wearer. I mean, for the vast majority of my life, that was the only male underwear type I was exposed to. Adventurous male underwear always struck me as the realm of Europeans and alternative lifestyle gentlemen. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) In the past few years though, I branched out – a short flirtation with boxers left me way too free, breezy and easy. But feeling the need to progress, I evolved to black boxer-briefs. The best part about this transition – coupled with the recent trend for black athletic socks – is that I have almost no white loads of laundry anymore. But in the land of comfort, there was still something lacking.

I have found that, while using leg machines at the gym that requires one to sit down; I keep sitting on my cohibas. This is uncomfortable – and it hurts, too! It requires regular adjustments. A more supportive solution would be appreciated; by me as well as the patrons at the gym. So off to the department store I went to look for a better solution to supporting my aging testicular luggage.

At first glance, all I could muster was, “WOW!!” When did all these different underwear options emerge?? It’s like the first time I was asked to pick up tampons. There are a million different kinds! Where does one start? Boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, compression shorts, thongs, low rise, high rise, mid rise, under armor, over armor… aaahhhhh!!! My first attempt at an upgrade? Back to the briefs. Only now I have limitless color options. OK – black briefs. Um….. no it’s not really working as well as my old tighty whiteys. I have the feeling my maracas just aren’t as firm as they used to be. I don’t want larger compadres, just the old ones I used to have. I’m thinking the technology developed for the Miracle Bra could be used here to create a better banana hammock - which brings me to my latest attempt – and one that is working. I wouldn’t call it a thong, exactly. But from the front it sure looks like it is. They are awfully tiny – yet oh so supportive.

I’m struggling with the general look. No one else HAS to see them (thank God!) but I have to look at them every time I put them on. And after a week, I still have the same basic reaction when I see myself in the mirror – “Dude! Where’s your husband?” (Not that there’s anything wrong with that ;) ) And I do have to change in the locker room. Quickly – these days. Nobody else is wearing these tiny things. They all have boxers or boxer-briefs – not that I’m looking at your crotch!! Those yards of under garments are just not comfortable to me. So my new miracle hammock is just right for now. Rest easy mi amigos. I’ll just have to be more progressive in my view. That’s it – I’m European!! Si? Oui oui!!

I wonder if Speedos are coming back. Ha! Not likely, Marge!!

What's That Smell??

While walking my dog Lexi this morning, I was pondering the way of dogs – as I often do during a walk. In particular, I was thinking about the peculiarity with which a dog goes about using their superpowers – that being super-smell noses.

Knowing that a dogs’ sense of smell is so acute that it dominates its brain, I’m fascinated by the way a dog wants to stick it directly into their targeted curiosity; most often, other dog excrement, or other dog butt. AND there seems to be a lot of excitement and joy associated with this act. But based on my observations, the following is Lexi’s basic internal dialogue during the course of a walk…

“Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! Goin’ for a walk!! I’m walkin.. I’m walkin’.. I’m walk – wait!! What’s that smell?! Over there! A dog has pooped! Yes! Yes! Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! What a great day this is going to be!! Gotta get my nose closer to the poop! Even though I could actually smell it two blocks back – gotta put my nose right down as close as possible – maybe even IN the poop!! Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! That smells so great!!! Wait! Lighten up on the leash – I’m not done! Noooo… I’m not done. I’m not done! Oh Ok. We’ll walk some more. I’m walkin.. I’m walkin’.. I’m walk – wait!! What’s that smell?! Over there! Another dog has pooped! Yes! Yes! Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! ……” And so it goes.

Clearly dogs are wired differently than people. If you stuck that super nose on me and took me for a walk, the internal dialogue would be more like….

“Oh nice! Going for a walk!! So nice out today, fresh air and… ack!! Jeez what’s that smell!? Walk the other way! Walk the other way! Whoa!! What’s THAT smell?! I think I’m gonna’ barf!! Wow! Look over their – a dog! Hey dog! You’re butt smells like crap! Hell, MY butt smells like crap too!!!......”

But with a dog’s nose being so very sensitive, I’m baffled by a dog’s desire to stick their nose as close as possible to something even I can smell – not to mention, the more rank the smell, the closer they want to get to it. I’ve recently developed a new theory about this. I think dogs have little CSI-type brains; and their keen interest and focus on rank smells is actually a detailed analysis of the item….

“hmmm…. What do we have here?” Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff. “Ahhh – discharged 24.2 minutes ago - Alpo, December, 2009 - beef and lamb parts – 2% sulfer – YES!” Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff. “It’s that little shitzu down the block – 32 minutes late today – slightly dehydrated” Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff –“left in a southeasterly direction at 2.3 miles per hour – should have arrived home 8.7 minutes ago, approximately 10.6 ounces lighter than at the start of her walk….”

I like this theory because I like to think my dog is smart. Any other theory leads to the same conclusion in the end. My dog is not very smart. My canine may actually be stupid. That my hairy sniffing machine is a super-nosed moron. But no. I think Lexi has a little CSI brain. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Ack! What’s that smell?

Pants on the Ground

Fashion trends don’t often hit my radar – but one trend has peeked my curiosity to the level that I have found myself researching and interviewing people in an effort to understand it. I’m sure there’s a fashion term for this ongoing trend, but since I don’t know what it is, I’m going to use my own term, NOTSEE-PANTS. As in, your pants may be really low, but I really did NOT need to SEE under your PANTS (that being your boxers and/or butt).

Part of what is so intriguing about this trend is that it has cut across all social strata – like the Volkswagen Bug did (circa 1950-1980 – not that girly, safe, more recent version with the bud vase. You never knew who you’d see driving a bug in the 50’s and 60’s, right?) Originating as an urban trend years ago (Flavor Flav seems to show up too often in my musings), pants can now be seen slung below the be-hinds of even those uniformed private school boys. As these uniformed kids leave campus for the day they pull down their pants below their cracks, and then have to walk funny so their pants don’t fall any further - picture Harry Potter with an unexpected load in his boxers. (I know they wore robes – don’t get your Hogwarts panties in a bunch). NOTSEE pants are around every high school in the social strata of America. (If you’re thinking, “not with my teens – we have uniforms and dress codes”, see above. They all have dress codes, but as soon as they walk off campus…. Woosh!)

I believe most men’s fashion trends are rooted in the most basic of all things – getting’ the girl! Even the most ridiculous trends – parachute pants, wife beater shirts, white leather shoes with matching belt, rainbow suspenders, and mullets – hey wait a minute!! I have way too much experience with these trends!!! Anyway, they appealed to some group of girls at some point; or they went away fast. But I don’t see this with NOTSEE-PANTS. They don’t even seem to appeal to their girlfriends. They roll their eyes and say, “do you have to do that with your pants?”

It was suggested that, because it cuts across all socioeconomic boundaries, it is a uniting teenage statement of defiance. (Read “Uniting Teenage Statement of Defiance” with a raised voice, looking straight up and pumping your fist in the air..) So, it’s like drinking beer? No - this has to do with clothing; so its fashion related. Right? This theory appeals greatly to me in its cultural depth and intellectual social implications on the evolution of adolescence and the impact on our current social consciousness. ;)

I’m not really buying the intellectual theory though.

My conclusion is that there is – unfortunately - a much simpler explanation. They do it for the reaction to it. They wear their NOTSEE PANTS to invoke universal disdain, and then they giggle about it. Just like a fart.