Underwear Odessy

For the vast majority of my life I have been a tighty-whitey wearer. I mean, for the vast majority of my life, that was the only male underwear type I was exposed to. Adventurous male underwear always struck me as the realm of Europeans and alternative lifestyle gentlemen. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) In the past few years though, I branched out – a short flirtation with boxers left me way too free, breezy and easy. But feeling the need to progress, I evolved to black boxer-briefs. The best part about this transition – coupled with the recent trend for black athletic socks – is that I have almost no white loads of laundry anymore. But in the land of comfort, there was still something lacking.

I have found that, while using leg machines at the gym that requires one to sit down; I keep sitting on my cohibas. This is uncomfortable – and it hurts, too! It requires regular adjustments. A more supportive solution would be appreciated; by me as well as the patrons at the gym. So off to the department store I went to look for a better solution to supporting my aging testicular luggage.

At first glance, all I could muster was, “WOW!!” When did all these different underwear options emerge?? It’s like the first time I was asked to pick up tampons. There are a million different kinds! Where does one start? Boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, compression shorts, thongs, low rise, high rise, mid rise, under armor, over armor… aaahhhhh!!! My first attempt at an upgrade? Back to the briefs. Only now I have limitless color options. OK – black briefs. Um….. no it’s not really working as well as my old tighty whiteys. I have the feeling my maracas just aren’t as firm as they used to be. I don’t want larger compadres, just the old ones I used to have. I’m thinking the technology developed for the Miracle Bra could be used here to create a better banana hammock - which brings me to my latest attempt – and one that is working. I wouldn’t call it a thong, exactly. But from the front it sure looks like it is. They are awfully tiny – yet oh so supportive.

I’m struggling with the general look. No one else HAS to see them (thank God!) but I have to look at them every time I put them on. And after a week, I still have the same basic reaction when I see myself in the mirror – “Dude! Where’s your husband?” (Not that there’s anything wrong with that ;) ) And I do have to change in the locker room. Quickly – these days. Nobody else is wearing these tiny things. They all have boxers or boxer-briefs – not that I’m looking at your crotch!! Those yards of under garments are just not comfortable to me. So my new miracle hammock is just right for now. Rest easy mi amigos. I’ll just have to be more progressive in my view. That’s it – I’m European!! Si? Oui oui!!

I wonder if Speedos are coming back. Ha! Not likely, Marge!!