The Mother of Invention

I thought Id take a few minutes to review some of the most recent technological advancements hitting the market – here is a sampling:


Talk and Text
In the interest of safety and convenience, this new invention allows your smart phone to pick up your speech and convert it to text, thus allowing you to speak out loud and send your thoughts to the intended recipient of your message. I assume the next safety advancement will convert it on the other end, converting text to voice, thus not having to read the screen and allowing the receiver to keep their eyes on the road. Hmmm….. if these advancements keep up, pretty soon people will actually be able to talk back and forth in real time like a pho…… hmmmmmm. Well, let’s move on.

You are the Controller
This is the latest game advancement – instead of a hand controller, you actually move around, and a sensor picks up your movement, and projects the image of you moving around on the screen. Like looking at your reflection in a mir…. hmmmmm. Well, the other part of this is that other people with the same system can be doing the same thing, and then you are both projected on the screen with the help of the internet, like you are actually interacting and jumping around together, and well like you’re danc…. Hmmmmm. OK – So there seems to be a circular pattern to some of these advancements. If we keep this up, we will advance ourselves right into the 1960’s. Let’s move on and see what’s next.

Smell-o-vision
I just read that some clever Japanese inventors figured out a way to use ordinary fax machines as an enhancement to your high-def TV’s as a way of delivering Smell-O-Vision to your home. You simply replace the cartridge with an odoriffic cartridge….

OK, I’ve had enough. If everyone wants to simulate life instead of live it, that’s one thing. I don’t want to smell the alley in the shoot out – the cats in the cat-lady’s house – the formaldehyde in the morgue. To be perfectly honest, I think one of the best attributes of watching TV is I DON’T have to smell what’s on my screen.

So gadgetry is intriguing – but the more advanced things get, the more life-like they get. And life being what life is – that being finite – here’s what I’m thinking. Instead of simulating a conversation, have one. Instead of jumping around with a friend on TV – jump around with one you can touch. And when your loved ones are not close? Yes, that’s the best application for this technology. But if it’s all the same to you, I’ll take a shower before we get together to jump around.

I like real time smells. Smell-O-Vision would greatly effect what shows I would like to watch. Good bye CSI – Hello Nature Channel. Hmmm….. ;)

Underwear Odessy

For the vast majority of my life I have been a tighty-whitey wearer. I mean, for the vast majority of my life, that was the only male underwear type I was exposed to. Adventurous male underwear always struck me as the realm of Europeans and alternative lifestyle gentlemen. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) In the past few years though, I branched out – a short flirtation with boxers left me way too free, breezy and easy. But feeling the need to progress, I evolved to black boxer-briefs. The best part about this transition – coupled with the recent trend for black athletic socks – is that I have almost no white loads of laundry anymore. But in the land of comfort, there was still something lacking.

I have found that, while using leg machines at the gym that requires one to sit down; I keep sitting on my cohibas. This is uncomfortable – and it hurts, too! It requires regular adjustments. A more supportive solution would be appreciated; by me as well as the patrons at the gym. So off to the department store I went to look for a better solution to supporting my aging testicular luggage.

At first glance, all I could muster was, “WOW!!” When did all these different underwear options emerge?? It’s like the first time I was asked to pick up tampons. There are a million different kinds! Where does one start? Boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, compression shorts, thongs, low rise, high rise, mid rise, under armor, over armor… aaahhhhh!!! My first attempt at an upgrade? Back to the briefs. Only now I have limitless color options. OK – black briefs. Um….. no it’s not really working as well as my old tighty whiteys. I have the feeling my maracas just aren’t as firm as they used to be. I don’t want larger compadres, just the old ones I used to have. I’m thinking the technology developed for the Miracle Bra could be used here to create a better banana hammock - which brings me to my latest attempt – and one that is working. I wouldn’t call it a thong, exactly. But from the front it sure looks like it is. They are awfully tiny – yet oh so supportive.

I’m struggling with the general look. No one else HAS to see them (thank God!) but I have to look at them every time I put them on. And after a week, I still have the same basic reaction when I see myself in the mirror – “Dude! Where’s your husband?” (Not that there’s anything wrong with that ;) ) And I do have to change in the locker room. Quickly – these days. Nobody else is wearing these tiny things. They all have boxers or boxer-briefs – not that I’m looking at your crotch!! Those yards of under garments are just not comfortable to me. So my new miracle hammock is just right for now. Rest easy mi amigos. I’ll just have to be more progressive in my view. That’s it – I’m European!! Si? Oui oui!!

I wonder if Speedos are coming back. Ha! Not likely, Marge!!

What's That Smell??

While walking my dog Lexi this morning, I was pondering the way of dogs – as I often do during a walk. In particular, I was thinking about the peculiarity with which a dog goes about using their superpowers – that being super-smell noses.

Knowing that a dogs’ sense of smell is so acute that it dominates its brain, I’m fascinated by the way a dog wants to stick it directly into their targeted curiosity; most often, other dog excrement, or other dog butt. AND there seems to be a lot of excitement and joy associated with this act. But based on my observations, the following is Lexi’s basic internal dialogue during the course of a walk…

“Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! Goin’ for a walk!! I’m walkin.. I’m walkin’.. I’m walk – wait!! What’s that smell?! Over there! A dog has pooped! Yes! Yes! Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! What a great day this is going to be!! Gotta get my nose closer to the poop! Even though I could actually smell it two blocks back – gotta put my nose right down as close as possible – maybe even IN the poop!! Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! That smells so great!!! Wait! Lighten up on the leash – I’m not done! Noooo… I’m not done. I’m not done! Oh Ok. We’ll walk some more. I’m walkin.. I’m walkin’.. I’m walk – wait!! What’s that smell?! Over there! Another dog has pooped! Yes! Yes! Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! ……” And so it goes.

Clearly dogs are wired differently than people. If you stuck that super nose on me and took me for a walk, the internal dialogue would be more like….

“Oh nice! Going for a walk!! So nice out today, fresh air and… ack!! Jeez what’s that smell!? Walk the other way! Walk the other way! Whoa!! What’s THAT smell?! I think I’m gonna’ barf!! Wow! Look over their – a dog! Hey dog! You’re butt smells like crap! Hell, MY butt smells like crap too!!!......”

But with a dog’s nose being so very sensitive, I’m baffled by a dog’s desire to stick their nose as close as possible to something even I can smell – not to mention, the more rank the smell, the closer they want to get to it. I’ve recently developed a new theory about this. I think dogs have little CSI-type brains; and their keen interest and focus on rank smells is actually a detailed analysis of the item….

“hmmm…. What do we have here?” Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff. “Ahhh – discharged 24.2 minutes ago - Alpo, December, 2009 - beef and lamb parts – 2% sulfer – YES!” Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff. “It’s that little shitzu down the block – 32 minutes late today – slightly dehydrated” Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff –“left in a southeasterly direction at 2.3 miles per hour – should have arrived home 8.7 minutes ago, approximately 10.6 ounces lighter than at the start of her walk….”

I like this theory because I like to think my dog is smart. Any other theory leads to the same conclusion in the end. My dog is not very smart. My canine may actually be stupid. That my hairy sniffing machine is a super-nosed moron. But no. I think Lexi has a little CSI brain. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Ack! What’s that smell?

Pants on the Ground

Fashion trends don’t often hit my radar – but one trend has peeked my curiosity to the level that I have found myself researching and interviewing people in an effort to understand it. I’m sure there’s a fashion term for this ongoing trend, but since I don’t know what it is, I’m going to use my own term, NOTSEE-PANTS. As in, your pants may be really low, but I really did NOT need to SEE under your PANTS (that being your boxers and/or butt).

Part of what is so intriguing about this trend is that it has cut across all social strata – like the Volkswagen Bug did (circa 1950-1980 – not that girly, safe, more recent version with the bud vase. You never knew who you’d see driving a bug in the 50’s and 60’s, right?) Originating as an urban trend years ago (Flavor Flav seems to show up too often in my musings), pants can now be seen slung below the be-hinds of even those uniformed private school boys. As these uniformed kids leave campus for the day they pull down their pants below their cracks, and then have to walk funny so their pants don’t fall any further - picture Harry Potter with an unexpected load in his boxers. (I know they wore robes – don’t get your Hogwarts panties in a bunch). NOTSEE pants are around every high school in the social strata of America. (If you’re thinking, “not with my teens – we have uniforms and dress codes”, see above. They all have dress codes, but as soon as they walk off campus…. Woosh!)

I believe most men’s fashion trends are rooted in the most basic of all things – getting’ the girl! Even the most ridiculous trends – parachute pants, wife beater shirts, white leather shoes with matching belt, rainbow suspenders, and mullets – hey wait a minute!! I have way too much experience with these trends!!! Anyway, they appealed to some group of girls at some point; or they went away fast. But I don’t see this with NOTSEE-PANTS. They don’t even seem to appeal to their girlfriends. They roll their eyes and say, “do you have to do that with your pants?”

It was suggested that, because it cuts across all socioeconomic boundaries, it is a uniting teenage statement of defiance. (Read “Uniting Teenage Statement of Defiance” with a raised voice, looking straight up and pumping your fist in the air..) So, it’s like drinking beer? No - this has to do with clothing; so its fashion related. Right? This theory appeals greatly to me in its cultural depth and intellectual social implications on the evolution of adolescence and the impact on our current social consciousness. ;)

I’m not really buying the intellectual theory though.

My conclusion is that there is – unfortunately - a much simpler explanation. They do it for the reaction to it. They wear their NOTSEE PANTS to invoke universal disdain, and then they giggle about it. Just like a fart.

Choo Choo ka Choo!!

This year’s summer vacation started with a 34 hour train ride.

Since the big brother and sister were, for the first time, not along for summer vacation, it was just my 13 year old son and I, off to our annual jaunt to Michigan. The train ride started in Flagstaff and concluded in Chicago – we experienced 12 states – Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Kansas, Missouri, Iowa, Illinois, boredom, excitement, hunger, delirium and sleep. Mostly, my son was bored, and I was excited.

The train had a dining car, a viewing car, a lounge car, a sleeping car, and where our assigned seating was, steerage. Riding the train is not what it used to be – there’s electricity at all the seats, so electronics can be plugged in to watch movies and play games. Before we left, Clark picked out a couple DVD movie collections – you know those $5-10 DVD boxes that have four movies with common themes or from the same series of movies. The two he picked out were Lethal Weapon 1 thru 4, and a grouping of 4 Police Academy movies, which I assumed would be 1 thru 4. I like the Lethal Weapon movies, and thought, “I remember the first Police Academy, and Clark would probably like it”. Turns out the box contained 4 Police Academy movies; like, Police Academy, 5, 6, 7 and 8!?!?!? Who knew? If you thought Police Academy 2 and 3 were awful, you should see 5 thru 8. It reminded me of a Hollywood rule about sequels that brother Paul once explained to me – that every sequel is half as good as its previous installment – I did the math on this - a 4th sequel is therefore 12.5% as good as the original - which puts the 8th at about 1% as good as the original. I don’t think they could make a 9th, because it would have no discernable value. (.00391) The Police Academy movies seem to prove out this theory. And do you remember the original Police Academy? It wasn’t very good to start with. So anyway, I read a lot.

I also went to the viewing car a lot. I loved watching the country unfold as we zipped across the Great Plains at speeds approaching 90 miles an hour. I also loved the cross section of people – at one point we were playing cards in a booth in the viewing car and talking with Amish from Iowa, Eagle Scouts from Kansas, an urban family from Chicago, and a college kid from Northwestern. The Amish family was particularly patient with a well-spoken 10 year old city-boy who streamed a gaggle of surprising questions at them: “do you know what a car is?” “do you know what a school is?” “do you know what a TV is?” “do you know what a cow is?” “do you know what McDonalds is?” “do you know what a plane is?” Sheesh. He must have thought they were an alien species from another planet. I guess to him, maybe they were.

In the Dining Car it was by appointment only, so we made reservations, put on fresh shirts and hobnobbed with the privileged for one meal, where I met a beautiful woman named Rose, and we laughed and strolled the decks together and.…. Oh wait, that’s another story…. This one has a much warmer ending. Where was I? Oh right, we made reservations for the dining car and we had bad food all gussied up to look like good food. Right, now I’m back on track. Get it?! Back on “track”! Haha!! Sorry, 34 hours on a train get’s you a little punchy.

The rest of the meals we purchased from the lounge car; it was the same food anyway. No waiting. We always seemed to be a little ahead of schedule, so when we stopped, we had a little extra time before scheduled departures – until we got to the Chicago area. It seems traffic in Chicago isn’t limited to the highways. We arrived 2 hours late, but no worse for the wear.

In general, I liked the train ride very much, and my son a little less so. But if you decide to take a long train ride, bring cards, plenty of reading material, and know that there’s electricity, and soon they expect to have internet as well!! Have no fear of ice burgs, but expect to meet interesting people. Kansas and Iowa don’t seem to have changed much over the years – and it’s comforting to know, neither have Eagle Scouts, Amish or City-folk. All is well on the Great Plains.

August, 2009

As I packed my daughter up for our road trip to Boulder and her freshman year of college, I didn’t think much about the fact that lots of people passed by the house over the couple hours it took to load up all the pink and girly items in the car. But I guess I should have thought about the message being projected… “We’re leaving for days!! – This would be an excellent time to rob us!” I even loaded up the dog.

As has been my habit, I left the back door unlocked, as Clark would be home within two hours of me and Lena leaving; where his mom would pick him up shortly after that. Soo.. away we went – at the time, the only thing I was really feeling was the loss of my daughter leaving for college, and the realization that all things girly and pink were leaving the building; a man cave being left behind.

But not 100 miles out of Phoenix I got a call from Clark. “Dad, we’ve been robbed. The Wii is gone.” Well maybe Frank took it to your moms? “No Dad, the back door was open and all the drawers in your room have been pulled out and emptied.” Oh dang! We’ve been robbed!! Well call your mom and get out of there. “Do you think they might still be around, dad? I’m going to grab a knife from the kitchen.” Just call your mom and get out. Oh – what about my guitars? “They’re here in your room.” Whew. I mean, take the computers and game systems – but leave my guitars please! So his mom came and got him and they locked the house up good.

I was on the first day of a six day trip. So six days later I arrived home and started taking inventory – missing: computer, Wii game system, class rings, two watches, and… It was all small stuff they could grab easily. Thank goodness I’m insured.

Since I’m not an acquirer of valuable antiquities, and did not even have a flat screen TV – the sight of my drawers pulled out and clothes on the floor lead me to envision the following scene:

Bad guy 1: Where do you think this guy keeps all his good shit?

Bad guy 2: I don’t know. He doesn’t even have a flat screen TV and the box of man-jewelry-type stuff only has these class rings, a couple of watches and like, cufflinks and collar tabs. Surely he’s got some good shit around here somewhere.

Bad guy 1: Check all his drawers – I bet he hides his good shit under his tighty-whitey’s.

Bad guy 2: YOU check under his tighty-whitey’s! I ain’t touchin’ his tighty-whitey’s!!

Bad guy 1: Oh just pull all the dang drawers out and dump them! I’m sure that’s where he keeps his good shit!

A couple minutes later – all the drawers pulled – the clothes dumped – my tighty-whitey’s on the floor – no good shit found….

Bad guy 2: Dang! You think he has a safe around or something? Cuz this guy don’t have shit!

Bad guy 1: No kidding. We’re gonna have to hit 3 or 4 more houses today to make up for all the shit this guy doesn’t have…

HA! I win!! Just try to take all my good shit when I don’t have any!! Haha!! I have an excellent advantage over those thieving bast-ards – I tend to acquire lots of things that matter a lot - but only to me. Just try to pawn pictures of my kids, or a Louis Armstrong bust, 70's and 80's albums, or a gargoyle. Just try to put that piano under your coat! – I think not!!

So, bad-guys, make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (please use the creamy peanut butter; as I prefer chunky) – and get outa here you punks!!

Bad guys: Whatever dude – we’re just trying to feed our family’s and you did not really help much – we’re outa’ here. We gotta find some decent shit today and you just set us back hours. Or maybe only about 5 minutes.

Oh, well, I hope you find some good shit. Have you tried Paradise Valley? Or North Scottsdale?

Donner Party - Table for Two?

Jet passengers stuck on Conn. tarmac for hours

Read more: http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2010/06/23/20100623stranded-on-plane.html#ixzz0roUbMkHl

Excerpt:

Passengers told CNN that Tuesday night's ordeal began when they were diverted to Bradley because of bad weather during a flight from London to Newark, N.J. They said they landed at about 8:20 p.m. and were kept on the plane until about 1 a.m. Wednesday.Passengers told the news network that people were yelling and screaming. At least three people fainted and were taken away in ambulances, passengers said. The aircraft was carrying 300 passengers and 14 crew.

"It was like four hours on the ground without any air conditioning. It was crazy. Just crazy," passenger Beth Willan told CNN. "There were babies on the plane. And we are in dark and hot. You try to be patient but people were yelling and screaming."

Wow! Like – four hours on the ground without air conditioning?! What an ordeal!!

Ordeal, noun - any extremely severe or trying test, experience, or trial.

Based on this reaction, I would submit that we are a society of wimps. I would put forth that an ordeal is, oh, losing a loved one; fighting a war; battling a disease; not knowing where your next meal is coming from; your wagon train arriving at the pass the day of the biggest storm in decades thus stranding you there until spring… you know, hardship.

Inconvenient, noun - an inconvenient circumstance or thing; something that causes discomfort, trouble, etc.

I would suggest that travel delays, mediocre hotel accommodations, rude drivers, and being hounded by the paparazzi – well – these are inconveniences – not ordeals. Or hardships. And in fact, if you have patience and humor, they might even be nice memories, or at a minimum, good stories to be told and laughed about for years to come.

I’m reminded of a time in the early 1980’s when I spent 24 hours snowed in at Chicago O’hare, trying to catch a 40 mintute flight to Detroit. It was the holidays and thousands of people were stranded. By hour 8 or 10, we started unwrapping presents we were to take to others, and playing games. This was not an ordeal. And interestingly, I don’t really remember other flights between Chicago and Detroit although I know I took a few. I do, however, remember the many patient, good-humored people who were forced together that day. And night. And the next day. I vaguely remember a few asses that kept hounding the poor airline reps, insisting they were important people and heads would role and they’d lose their jobs for these unacceptable delays.. blah blah blah… we all know the type – my lord, people of this type go through life this way! Ulcers and negativity and unhappiness, oh my!

So it would be nice if we took a step back when nature rears it’s unpredictable and inconvenient head, and rational thought demands a safer – all be it untimely – change in our plans. Let’s try to see it for what it is – an unpredictable part of life. It’s true that unpredictable inconveniences can lead to ordeals – but really, four hours on the tarmac with no air conditioning…. Well, c’mon people - this ain’t the Donner Party.