I Miss the Safety Patrol, Paper Boys and Riding my Bike Helmetless

As I was reading my sisters witty blog about our elementary school days in the Safety Patrol, I was reminded of some of the many differences in how my children have been brought up, vs. the social fabric of when I was growing up. I know that many people - as they age - wax philosophically on the society they grew up, saying or implying it was a better time… morally and/or idealistically. I am surely NOT doing that. The world is becoming a more informed and compassionate place – of that I’m sure.

But there are times when I observe the evolution of things that, with the best of intentions, took something away from our kids’ youth. Here are a few:

No More Safety PatrolI understand that putting the 5th grader in charge looks silly now. But really, it was great for the 5th grader. It was the first place I can remember learning a bit about responsibility and – as Judy said – being in charge. Unlike 5th grade girls though, I’ve never had a palpable desire to be in charge – but it seems I’ve always had a job where I am in charge. And I think the trend started with the Safety Patrol. I wanted to do it. I wanted the responsibility. And as silly as it may sound, I took it seriously. This is not a developmental opportunity my kids have had. When they were in elementary school, the closest thing I can think of would be student politics. But that is often a popularity contest. Safety Patrol was not. (In fact, it may have been the opposite). But I was never drawn to student government. And yet, whenever I had a job, I tended to end up in charge. (Son Frank ran for 5th grade class president within weeks of having transferred to a new school. He didn’t win of course, but that took cahones!)

No More Paper Boys
Have you noticed how creepy the newspaper delivery person has become? Don’t you miss the kid that rode his bike around the neighborhood and threw newspapers on porches? I was that kid! (At least for a while). And I was dying to do it. Despite 4am wake ups, an uphill paper route, and a creepy old guy I’d never collect from because he scared the crap out of me – I REALLY wanted to be a paper-boy! (Even after being an egg-delivery boy in the snow.) So when I hit that 11 year old age limit, I became that paper-boy. It was a rite of passage.

Safety Helmets
OK, helmets are good – bike helmets are great – when you are on a bike. But have you seen the little kid in a mall on a leash with a bike helmet on? There is such a thing as over kill. I just had to throw that one in because life has SOME risk, and we have to teach our kids to understand that, too.

Cell Phones
As parent it is great to be able to get a message to and from your kids anytime you want. It gives me much peace of mind. On the other hand… when we didn’t have that ability, kids had to develop more responsibility earlier, so as to effectively manage their time. In addition, we all had to plan a lot better, and be more punctual. If you weren’t on that corner at that time for that ride; you probably were walking. I don’t think this is really a better or worse sort of thing. There are clear advantages to more immediate communications in all walks of life. But it is different, and we therefore developed different habits at different times based on these realities. I’m not sure how much I would have liked my mom knowing exactly where I was every minute; nor do I think she would have wanted to know. But now we can GPS track our kids by their phones. Yikes! The danger I see in this one is making sure we develop trust. I know parents who track their kids and drug test their kids and go through their texts and drawers; even when the kids have given them no reason not to trust them. Trust is a pretty basic root of strong relationships. But that kind of invasiveness is not teaching them to trust – just the opposite.

So anyway – chime in with bitter-sweet things from your youth that have changed……

Senator Weiner - Need I Say More?

Senator Weiner, can you just answer the one question? Is it really that hard? To answer the question, I mean.

Rarely does a story come along begging to be made fun of with this sort of volume. (At least to the average guy - of any age - because wiener jokes are agelessly hilarious!) Since I believe Anthony, that someone else posted his package – not him – I have been holding back, pressure ever mounting. But as of this morning, a few salient factors hit me:

- With some wit and humility on the wiener’s part, this thing wouldn’t even be a story.
- When one is thrust into the spotlight, it is an opportunity to perform. It’s not the size of the spotlight that counts; but how you use the spotlight.
- He’s a Senator – if he didn’t like the spotlight or being called wiener - a career change would be in order. As well as a name change.
- Senator Weiner won’t answer the basic question, is it Wiener’s wiener?
- He’s acting like, well, a wiener!

So all bets are off!!

I initially felt bad for him with the reality that he has gone through life with the wiener-thing . And I do feel bad that, obviously as a result of all that teasing growing up, he had no choice for a career but to go into politics; taking him from wiener squared to wiener cubed. But, Gods sake, man up wiener boy!

If Senator Weiner went for a ride in the wiener-mobile, and while on that ride tweeted out a pic of his wiener, he would be… a whining wiener named Wiener in a wiener tweeting his wiener. Whew!! I feel much better now.

I think Senator Weiner has opportunistically used his name to his advantage. Let’s face it, the same bully that stuffed him in the locker in the 7th grade, went straight to the polls to vote from the local pub after calling in sick on Election Day, saw “Weiner” on the ballot, had no real knowledge of whom Weiner or his opponent was, and went, “Heehee!! Weiner!? Hell yes! That’s whom I ‘m voting for. (Internal dialogue, of course.)

Not long ago, pulsating with rage at the republicans, Weiner decried NPR’s Car Talk as “pollution of the airwaves”. OK, so he was actually being sarcastic. But I had to look twice, because, he was acting, well, like a wiener.

And while we are on the subject of “taking pictures of your junk”, who EVER thinks this can be a good idea? If you get the urge to open your pants and snap your wiener, JUST SAY NO! (Or in general, say NO to taking a picture of that region, pants on or not) Guys, I’m just going to say this once. The most promiscuous, sexually active, open minded, heterosexual woman in the world will have the same reaction to receiving that picture as your sister would. It will NOT be “wow.. look at that wiener – that makes me hot”. No, it will just be “EWE!!

Everything I Needed to Know to Run Trump Enterprises I learned in Kindergarten

Donald Trump told the folks on a national morning show that he is contemplating running for president. Since Bill Cosby was on the same show a little later in the morning, they asked him about this idea of the Donald running for president, and Bill said, “The only thing he’s running is his mouth. He should run or shut up”. Or words to that effect.

Donald issued a statement that said, “Oh yeah Bill!? Well you’re a poopy-face and you like Obama more than me and that hurts my feelings!!” Or words to that effect. OK, his actual statement was….

While I have never been a fan of Cosby’s, I had always assumed he liked or respected me because every time I met him…. he was always so nice, saying, ‘let’s get together’ – asking me out to dinner, and being polite to the point of offering to buy me a suit because he has a ‘great tailor.’”

“In any event, as I watched the show, the subject of Donald Trump came up. I was surprised to hear him blabber, somewhat incoherently, ‘you run or shut up.’ The hatred was pouring out of his eyes when he said this.”

“I wish he would be more honest, and if he doesn’t want me to run because he’s obviously an Obama fan, he should state the reasons and not come into my “green room” in front of numerous witnesses and treat me like his best friend, only to denigrate me when I’m not around. Sadly, he got more attention talking about me than he did on the merits of his own appearance—maybe he is not as dumb as I thought.”In other words, Oh yeah Bill!? Well you’re a poopy-face and you like Obama more than me and that hurts my feelings!!”
The Donald may be a savvy businessman, but I can’t help but be concerned at the prospect of how he would respond to, oh, say, Muammar Gaddafi.

Gaddafi: You arrogant American with bad hair – you think you can tell the rest of the world how to behave!
The Donald: Oh yeah? Well you’re a poopy-face!
Gaddafi: You are Satan!
The Donald: That hurts my feelings – I wish you would be more honest that you like Obama more than me and not act like you like me in front of all the heads of state. Sadly, you get more attention calling me names than speaking about your own civil war. Maybe you are not as dumb as I thought. You’re fired!!
Gaddafi: You can’t fire me. I’m going to stay here until I die.
The Donald: You think I can’t see the hatred flowing from your eyes?
Gaddafi: That’s not hatred; it’s hair gel.
The Donald: If you were to come on my new show, The Despot Apprentice, I could fire you.
Gaddafi: I will never go on American TV. Look what it has done to your hair. See mine? I bet you wish you had a head of hair like mine!
The Donald: Well that’s not fair. My WIFE wishes she had a head of hair as thick and curly as yours.
Gaddafi: Which one?
The Donald: Poopie-face Dictator!!!

See? We’d get nowhere.

I like my presidents with a little more diplomacy. I don’t think Mr. Trump has the humility to pull it off. At least Bill Clinton – sociopath that he is – recognizes that there are situations in which you need to ACT like you have humility. “I did not have sex with that girl…” “OK you got me, it was sort of sex, but I’m very sorry ( I got caught…)” Oh heck – that’s a whole nother topic. Hey! That’s not a real phrase!! Whole another… other… tuther…. What’s that short for?