To Really Laugh, You Have to Cry

It is a well trod-upon topic. No good without bad. No ups without downs. No heaven without hell. But regardless of how one has to periodically get sucker-punched to remind one of this inevitable balance in the world of emotions, the reality of this law has to reassert itself; less we forget.

I ended up in management very early in my career because of my demeanor. I have typically been described as good natured, unflappable, and someone who doesn't overreact. Yet this same trait has been my biggest weakness as well. Sometimes I don't react fast enough when movement is necessary.

Of course, this is as relevant to my just-ended marriage as it is to my career. Having had a spouse that reacts strongly to virtually any situation, it was inevitable that a husband who is much less reactionary would come up short in her mind. Amazing, really, that it took 20 years. But that length of time is also indicative of the fact that I probably didn't react fast enough.

Last week I was sitting outside on my balcony looking up at the sky, and realized I had a big grin on my face. Life is good. Sunshine is good. Seeing shapes in the clouds is good. My son Clark is particularly good at seeing shapes in clouds. Moments like that have been mostly absent from my life for many years. But they are coming back with more frequency.

The non-stop way I allowed life to proceed is changing - for the better, for sure. But I was reminded how far I still have to go in a recent phone conversation with my new friend Laurie.

Me: What are you up to?
Laurie: Not much. Just sitting here on the couch.
Me: Working?
Laurie: Nope.
Me: Watching T.V.?
Laurie: Nope.
Me: Reading a book?
Laurie: Nope.
Me: Then what are you doing?
Laurie: Nothing. Just thinking.
Me: (silence)

I was so jealous. What a concept. The over whelming revelation resulting from this short conversation was, of course, that I have this need to fill up my time - this realization made me want re-read Thoreau. See - it's still there. Maybe move to Waldon Pond instead of read it.

The best part of my new life is in the realization that the things I most desire are the things that are best for me and those around me. Uncomplicated time with the people I love: walks in the park, reading a book outdoors, cooking, laughing, playing my guitar at church - and now a little blogging.

These are activities that have a growing presence in my life, and are emerging from reacting to my own expectations as opposed to the expectations of someone else. I like this guy. And although I had to make the hardest decision of my life to start down this path, laughter now comes from deeper down in my gut. Smiles come more often to my face. I'm healthier. I drink less. And I feel more loved, both by others and myself.

So for now I am content to see some extra shapes in the clouds. As I look in the sky right now, I think I see a divorce attorney in one cloud, but the one that looks like a judge's gavel is starting to dissipate. To the right of that, I think I see a bunny!

Better. Much Better.