What's That Smell??

While walking my dog Lexi this morning, I was pondering the way of dogs – as I often do during a walk. In particular, I was thinking about the peculiarity with which a dog goes about using their superpowers – that being super-smell noses.

Knowing that a dogs’ sense of smell is so acute that it dominates its brain, I’m fascinated by the way a dog wants to stick it directly into their targeted curiosity; most often, other dog excrement, or other dog butt. AND there seems to be a lot of excitement and joy associated with this act. But based on my observations, the following is Lexi’s basic internal dialogue during the course of a walk…

“Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! Goin’ for a walk!! I’m walkin.. I’m walkin’.. I’m walk – wait!! What’s that smell?! Over there! A dog has pooped! Yes! Yes! Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! What a great day this is going to be!! Gotta get my nose closer to the poop! Even though I could actually smell it two blocks back – gotta put my nose right down as close as possible – maybe even IN the poop!! Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! That smells so great!!! Wait! Lighten up on the leash – I’m not done! Noooo… I’m not done. I’m not done! Oh Ok. We’ll walk some more. I’m walkin.. I’m walkin’.. I’m walk – wait!! What’s that smell?! Over there! Another dog has pooped! Yes! Yes! Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! ……” And so it goes.

Clearly dogs are wired differently than people. If you stuck that super nose on me and took me for a walk, the internal dialogue would be more like….

“Oh nice! Going for a walk!! So nice out today, fresh air and… ack!! Jeez what’s that smell!? Walk the other way! Walk the other way! Whoa!! What’s THAT smell?! I think I’m gonna’ barf!! Wow! Look over their – a dog! Hey dog! You’re butt smells like crap! Hell, MY butt smells like crap too!!!......”

But with a dog’s nose being so very sensitive, I’m baffled by a dog’s desire to stick their nose as close as possible to something even I can smell – not to mention, the more rank the smell, the closer they want to get to it. I’ve recently developed a new theory about this. I think dogs have little CSI-type brains; and their keen interest and focus on rank smells is actually a detailed analysis of the item….

“hmmm…. What do we have here?” Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff. “Ahhh – discharged 24.2 minutes ago - Alpo, December, 2009 - beef and lamb parts – 2% sulfer – YES!” Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff. “It’s that little shitzu down the block – 32 minutes late today – slightly dehydrated” Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff –“left in a southeasterly direction at 2.3 miles per hour – should have arrived home 8.7 minutes ago, approximately 10.6 ounces lighter than at the start of her walk….”

I like this theory because I like to think my dog is smart. Any other theory leads to the same conclusion in the end. My dog is not very smart. My canine may actually be stupid. That my hairy sniffing machine is a super-nosed moron. But no. I think Lexi has a little CSI brain. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Ack! What’s that smell?

Pants on the Ground

Fashion trends don’t often hit my radar – but one trend has peeked my curiosity to the level that I have found myself researching and interviewing people in an effort to understand it. I’m sure there’s a fashion term for this ongoing trend, but since I don’t know what it is, I’m going to use my own term, NOTSEE-PANTS. As in, your pants may be really low, but I really did NOT need to SEE under your PANTS (that being your boxers and/or butt).

Part of what is so intriguing about this trend is that it has cut across all social strata – like the Volkswagen Bug did (circa 1950-1980 – not that girly, safe, more recent version with the bud vase. You never knew who you’d see driving a bug in the 50’s and 60’s, right?) Originating as an urban trend years ago (Flavor Flav seems to show up too often in my musings), pants can now be seen slung below the be-hinds of even those uniformed private school boys. As these uniformed kids leave campus for the day they pull down their pants below their cracks, and then have to walk funny so their pants don’t fall any further - picture Harry Potter with an unexpected load in his boxers. (I know they wore robes – don’t get your Hogwarts panties in a bunch). NOTSEE pants are around every high school in the social strata of America. (If you’re thinking, “not with my teens – we have uniforms and dress codes”, see above. They all have dress codes, but as soon as they walk off campus…. Woosh!)

I believe most men’s fashion trends are rooted in the most basic of all things – getting’ the girl! Even the most ridiculous trends – parachute pants, wife beater shirts, white leather shoes with matching belt, rainbow suspenders, and mullets – hey wait a minute!! I have way too much experience with these trends!!! Anyway, they appealed to some group of girls at some point; or they went away fast. But I don’t see this with NOTSEE-PANTS. They don’t even seem to appeal to their girlfriends. They roll their eyes and say, “do you have to do that with your pants?”

It was suggested that, because it cuts across all socioeconomic boundaries, it is a uniting teenage statement of defiance. (Read “Uniting Teenage Statement of Defiance” with a raised voice, looking straight up and pumping your fist in the air..) So, it’s like drinking beer? No - this has to do with clothing; so its fashion related. Right? This theory appeals greatly to me in its cultural depth and intellectual social implications on the evolution of adolescence and the impact on our current social consciousness. ;)

I’m not really buying the intellectual theory though.

My conclusion is that there is – unfortunately - a much simpler explanation. They do it for the reaction to it. They wear their NOTSEE PANTS to invoke universal disdain, and then they giggle about it. Just like a fart.