August, 2009

As I packed my daughter up for our road trip to Boulder and her freshman year of college, I didn’t think much about the fact that lots of people passed by the house over the couple hours it took to load up all the pink and girly items in the car. But I guess I should have thought about the message being projected… “We’re leaving for days!! – This would be an excellent time to rob us!” I even loaded up the dog.

As has been my habit, I left the back door unlocked, as Clark would be home within two hours of me and Lena leaving; where his mom would pick him up shortly after that. Soo.. away we went – at the time, the only thing I was really feeling was the loss of my daughter leaving for college, and the realization that all things girly and pink were leaving the building; a man cave being left behind.

But not 100 miles out of Phoenix I got a call from Clark. “Dad, we’ve been robbed. The Wii is gone.” Well maybe Frank took it to your moms? “No Dad, the back door was open and all the drawers in your room have been pulled out and emptied.” Oh dang! We’ve been robbed!! Well call your mom and get out of there. “Do you think they might still be around, dad? I’m going to grab a knife from the kitchen.” Just call your mom and get out. Oh – what about my guitars? “They’re here in your room.” Whew. I mean, take the computers and game systems – but leave my guitars please! So his mom came and got him and they locked the house up good.

I was on the first day of a six day trip. So six days later I arrived home and started taking inventory – missing: computer, Wii game system, class rings, two watches, and… It was all small stuff they could grab easily. Thank goodness I’m insured.

Since I’m not an acquirer of valuable antiquities, and did not even have a flat screen TV – the sight of my drawers pulled out and clothes on the floor lead me to envision the following scene:

Bad guy 1: Where do you think this guy keeps all his good shit?

Bad guy 2: I don’t know. He doesn’t even have a flat screen TV and the box of man-jewelry-type stuff only has these class rings, a couple of watches and like, cufflinks and collar tabs. Surely he’s got some good shit around here somewhere.

Bad guy 1: Check all his drawers – I bet he hides his good shit under his tighty-whitey’s.

Bad guy 2: YOU check under his tighty-whitey’s! I ain’t touchin’ his tighty-whitey’s!!

Bad guy 1: Oh just pull all the dang drawers out and dump them! I’m sure that’s where he keeps his good shit!

A couple minutes later – all the drawers pulled – the clothes dumped – my tighty-whitey’s on the floor – no good shit found….

Bad guy 2: Dang! You think he has a safe around or something? Cuz this guy don’t have shit!

Bad guy 1: No kidding. We’re gonna have to hit 3 or 4 more houses today to make up for all the shit this guy doesn’t have…

HA! I win!! Just try to take all my good shit when I don’t have any!! Haha!! I have an excellent advantage over those thieving bast-ards – I tend to acquire lots of things that matter a lot - but only to me. Just try to pawn pictures of my kids, or a Louis Armstrong bust, 70's and 80's albums, or a gargoyle. Just try to put that piano under your coat! – I think not!!

So, bad-guys, make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (please use the creamy peanut butter; as I prefer chunky) – and get outa here you punks!!

Bad guys: Whatever dude – we’re just trying to feed our family’s and you did not really help much – we’re outa’ here. We gotta find some decent shit today and you just set us back hours. Or maybe only about 5 minutes.

Oh, well, I hope you find some good shit. Have you tried Paradise Valley? Or North Scottsdale?