Bombs and Morals

LOS ANGELES, Dec. 1 (UPI) -- The U.S. physicist who promoted the controversial concept of the neutron bomb, designed to kill troops but leave battlefields intact, has died, his family says.
Samuel T. Cohen died Sunday at his home in Los Angeles, The New York Times reported.
He died from complications of stomach cancer, his son Paul said.

In contrast to strategic warheads, which can kill millions and level cities, neutron bombs use subatomic particles to kill enemy troops with radiation but leave battlefields and cities relatively undamaged.

While critics questioned the usefulness, logic and ethics of killing people and sparing property, Cohen called his bomb a "sane" and "moral" weapon.

I don’t think of myself as very critical, but I have to question the ethics of that myself - that’s a relative statement. But, as Samuel T. Cohen was active on the Manhattan Project, and if you’re in the middle of that, I guess it was a moral conundrum from the get-go…

Los Alamos Canteen – 1939

Einstein: I sink ve’ve done it! Fission!! If vee can harnez it, eet vell be zee ultimate deterrent, as eet vould deeztroy ev-ery-sing in a maszive area for decadez!! Vell my boy, vhat do you sink of zat?
Cohen: Do we have to destroy everything? It seems like such a waste. There must be a more sane and moral answer…
Einstein: No no! You’re miszzng zee point, you simple UCLA frat-boy! It should be a DEE-TERENT!
Cohen: Oh sure. Easy for the genius to start name calling. Who do you think you are? Einste.…. wait for it…... hmmmm….. da Vinci??
Einstein: I zink yoo conteenue to miz zee point, Dr. Cohen. By zee way, are you related to zee musical Cohen? I luv zee show tunes…
Cohen: Now who’s missing the point, Mr. “I’m-so-smart-my-names-a-synonym-for-smart”. That would be George M. “Co-HAN” – And by the by - didn’t you used to be a pacifist? Someday, I’m going to find a way to destroy people, but leave the lovely architecture. Bukoo savings for the occupying country in rebuilding. Wouldn’t you say that’s a more sane and moral approach?
Einstein: Oh Hitler’s Beard!! I’m zoorrounded by morons………. wait, you don’t sink anyone would actually drop one of zees on anyone, do you? ………………………..

Hey, why did they call it the Manhattan Project when it was in Los Alamos, New Mexico? I don’t think they were working on anything in Manhattan called, “The Los Alamos Project”. Come to think of it though, the Koreans have produced cars called Santa Fe and Taos. So I guess it all makes sense in the end.

But personally, I’d have to put the Neutron Bomb on the same moral playing field as the Atomic Bomb. Now if we could come up with a bomb that knocked down buildings but left everyone alive…. That would be a morality step in the right direction.

In fact, it would reduce unemployment – put all those survivors to work on re-construction projects. We could call it, the Pro-life Bomb. Although the Generals might confuse that connotation and think any mission that’s begun with the deployment of the Pro-life bomb is a mission that cannot be aborted.

Maybe I’m missing the point, too. Ah well, Rest In Peace, Dr. Cohen.

The Plight of the Female Politician

Yesterday I made jokes about both Nancy Pelosi and Sarah Palin. It reminded me of making gay jokes, because I felt compelled to follow it up with a defensive disclaimer, that being “Not that I have anything against female politicians!”

We do, indeed, have double standards when it comes to women in power. Often it seems like the only way they can rise in the ranks is to be tougher than their male counterparts – which then makes them look cold and heartless. Here’s a quick inventory of three high-profile female politicians and my immediate reactions to each:

Hillary Clinton – “Ick!”
Nancy Palosi – “Ack!”
Sarah Palin – “Yikes!”

Not that I have anything against female politicians ;)

Really though, the rise of female politicians is long overdue. Where did Diane Feinstein go? I’d vote for her. In fact, I think I once did. The current situation is likely a result of a confluence of social events and political evolution. Politically, in our current system you have to become a career politician to rise to power – coupled with the fact you must be quite rich as well. Those factors, along with the advent of women’s rights and equality finally starting to catch up, pretty much requires they give up most of their personal lives to get themselves into the public eye (See realty shows, stupid overly-opinionated statements and Dancing With the Stars) – without which they are “below the radar” and un-electable. As my dad would point out, that’s not really what our forefathers had in mind. I’ll take my own political temperature here by gauging my reactions to a few political realities:

Career Politicians – “Ick!
Left wing ultra-liberals – “Ack!”
Right wing ultra conservatives – “Yikes!”

Do you think there’s a chance we could ever have representatives that actually looked like the electorate? Instead of a bunch of lawyers, maybe a teacher, a doctor, a small business owner…. Let me try each of those out with my very un-scientific gut-check meter:

Lawyer – “Ick!”
Lawyer – “Ack!”
Lawyer – “Yikes!”

Or

Teacher – “hmmm”
Doctor – “OK – but remember there are other egos in the room, please”
Small Business Owner – “Wow!”

Yes I like this system already! So, Captains of Industry, here’s my fix for the system:

6 year single term Congress
6 year single term President
Judicial system? I’m OK with the way that’s going. I’m sure they’ll all be glad
to hear that.

I guess one argument against this type of system would be that with no insiders, how would they get anything done? Well…. most teachers, doctors and business owners I know are at least as smart as the politicians I know. Perhaps they’d eliminate the large staffs and layers of bureaucracy to simplify the dialogue, thus leading to more direct and open communication among the actual congress(wo)men. I know I know – I’m an optimist!

Oops – what was I talking about again? Oh yeah – females in politics - the current crop being Ick, Ack and Yikes. Well, I’m looking forward to a new crop – hopefully Hmmm, OK and Wow.

You never know. It COULD hap…. Hey! What was that!? I think a monkey just flew out of my butt!!

The Mother of Invention

I thought Id take a few minutes to review some of the most recent technological advancements hitting the market – here is a sampling:


Talk and Text
In the interest of safety and convenience, this new invention allows your smart phone to pick up your speech and convert it to text, thus allowing you to speak out loud and send your thoughts to the intended recipient of your message. I assume the next safety advancement will convert it on the other end, converting text to voice, thus not having to read the screen and allowing the receiver to keep their eyes on the road. Hmmm….. if these advancements keep up, pretty soon people will actually be able to talk back and forth in real time like a pho…… hmmmmmm. Well, let’s move on.

You are the Controller
This is the latest game advancement – instead of a hand controller, you actually move around, and a sensor picks up your movement, and projects the image of you moving around on the screen. Like looking at your reflection in a mir…. hmmmmm. Well, the other part of this is that other people with the same system can be doing the same thing, and then you are both projected on the screen with the help of the internet, like you are actually interacting and jumping around together, and well like you’re danc…. Hmmmmm. OK – So there seems to be a circular pattern to some of these advancements. If we keep this up, we will advance ourselves right into the 1960’s. Let’s move on and see what’s next.

Smell-o-vision
I just read that some clever Japanese inventors figured out a way to use ordinary fax machines as an enhancement to your high-def TV’s as a way of delivering Smell-O-Vision to your home. You simply replace the cartridge with an odoriffic cartridge….

OK, I’ve had enough. If everyone wants to simulate life instead of live it, that’s one thing. I don’t want to smell the alley in the shoot out – the cats in the cat-lady’s house – the formaldehyde in the morgue. To be perfectly honest, I think one of the best attributes of watching TV is I DON’T have to smell what’s on my screen.

So gadgetry is intriguing – but the more advanced things get, the more life-like they get. And life being what life is – that being finite – here’s what I’m thinking. Instead of simulating a conversation, have one. Instead of jumping around with a friend on TV – jump around with one you can touch. And when your loved ones are not close? Yes, that’s the best application for this technology. But if it’s all the same to you, I’ll take a shower before we get together to jump around.

I like real time smells. Smell-O-Vision would greatly effect what shows I would like to watch. Good bye CSI – Hello Nature Channel. Hmmm….. ;)

Underwear Odessy

For the vast majority of my life I have been a tighty-whitey wearer. I mean, for the vast majority of my life, that was the only male underwear type I was exposed to. Adventurous male underwear always struck me as the realm of Europeans and alternative lifestyle gentlemen. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that) In the past few years though, I branched out – a short flirtation with boxers left me way too free, breezy and easy. But feeling the need to progress, I evolved to black boxer-briefs. The best part about this transition – coupled with the recent trend for black athletic socks – is that I have almost no white loads of laundry anymore. But in the land of comfort, there was still something lacking.

I have found that, while using leg machines at the gym that requires one to sit down; I keep sitting on my cohibas. This is uncomfortable – and it hurts, too! It requires regular adjustments. A more supportive solution would be appreciated; by me as well as the patrons at the gym. So off to the department store I went to look for a better solution to supporting my aging testicular luggage.

At first glance, all I could muster was, “WOW!!” When did all these different underwear options emerge?? It’s like the first time I was asked to pick up tampons. There are a million different kinds! Where does one start? Boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, compression shorts, thongs, low rise, high rise, mid rise, under armor, over armor… aaahhhhh!!! My first attempt at an upgrade? Back to the briefs. Only now I have limitless color options. OK – black briefs. Um….. no it’s not really working as well as my old tighty whiteys. I have the feeling my maracas just aren’t as firm as they used to be. I don’t want larger compadres, just the old ones I used to have. I’m thinking the technology developed for the Miracle Bra could be used here to create a better banana hammock - which brings me to my latest attempt – and one that is working. I wouldn’t call it a thong, exactly. But from the front it sure looks like it is. They are awfully tiny – yet oh so supportive.

I’m struggling with the general look. No one else HAS to see them (thank God!) but I have to look at them every time I put them on. And after a week, I still have the same basic reaction when I see myself in the mirror – “Dude! Where’s your husband?” (Not that there’s anything wrong with that ;) ) And I do have to change in the locker room. Quickly – these days. Nobody else is wearing these tiny things. They all have boxers or boxer-briefs – not that I’m looking at your crotch!! Those yards of under garments are just not comfortable to me. So my new miracle hammock is just right for now. Rest easy mi amigos. I’ll just have to be more progressive in my view. That’s it – I’m European!! Si? Oui oui!!

I wonder if Speedos are coming back. Ha! Not likely, Marge!!

What's That Smell??

While walking my dog Lexi this morning, I was pondering the way of dogs – as I often do during a walk. In particular, I was thinking about the peculiarity with which a dog goes about using their superpowers – that being super-smell noses.

Knowing that a dogs’ sense of smell is so acute that it dominates its brain, I’m fascinated by the way a dog wants to stick it directly into their targeted curiosity; most often, other dog excrement, or other dog butt. AND there seems to be a lot of excitement and joy associated with this act. But based on my observations, the following is Lexi’s basic internal dialogue during the course of a walk…

“Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! Goin’ for a walk!! I’m walkin.. I’m walkin’.. I’m walk – wait!! What’s that smell?! Over there! A dog has pooped! Yes! Yes! Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! What a great day this is going to be!! Gotta get my nose closer to the poop! Even though I could actually smell it two blocks back – gotta put my nose right down as close as possible – maybe even IN the poop!! Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! That smells so great!!! Wait! Lighten up on the leash – I’m not done! Noooo… I’m not done. I’m not done! Oh Ok. We’ll walk some more. I’m walkin.. I’m walkin’.. I’m walk – wait!! What’s that smell?! Over there! Another dog has pooped! Yes! Yes! Oh-boy- oh-boy-oh-boy!! ……” And so it goes.

Clearly dogs are wired differently than people. If you stuck that super nose on me and took me for a walk, the internal dialogue would be more like….

“Oh nice! Going for a walk!! So nice out today, fresh air and… ack!! Jeez what’s that smell!? Walk the other way! Walk the other way! Whoa!! What’s THAT smell?! I think I’m gonna’ barf!! Wow! Look over their – a dog! Hey dog! You’re butt smells like crap! Hell, MY butt smells like crap too!!!......”

But with a dog’s nose being so very sensitive, I’m baffled by a dog’s desire to stick their nose as close as possible to something even I can smell – not to mention, the more rank the smell, the closer they want to get to it. I’ve recently developed a new theory about this. I think dogs have little CSI-type brains; and their keen interest and focus on rank smells is actually a detailed analysis of the item….

“hmmm…. What do we have here?” Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff. “Ahhh – discharged 24.2 minutes ago - Alpo, December, 2009 - beef and lamb parts – 2% sulfer – YES!” Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff. “It’s that little shitzu down the block – 32 minutes late today – slightly dehydrated” Sniff-sniff-sniff-sniff –“left in a southeasterly direction at 2.3 miles per hour – should have arrived home 8.7 minutes ago, approximately 10.6 ounces lighter than at the start of her walk….”

I like this theory because I like to think my dog is smart. Any other theory leads to the same conclusion in the end. My dog is not very smart. My canine may actually be stupid. That my hairy sniffing machine is a super-nosed moron. But no. I think Lexi has a little CSI brain. It’s the only thing that makes sense.

Ack! What’s that smell?

Pants on the Ground

Fashion trends don’t often hit my radar – but one trend has peeked my curiosity to the level that I have found myself researching and interviewing people in an effort to understand it. I’m sure there’s a fashion term for this ongoing trend, but since I don’t know what it is, I’m going to use my own term, NOTSEE-PANTS. As in, your pants may be really low, but I really did NOT need to SEE under your PANTS (that being your boxers and/or butt).

Part of what is so intriguing about this trend is that it has cut across all social strata – like the Volkswagen Bug did (circa 1950-1980 – not that girly, safe, more recent version with the bud vase. You never knew who you’d see driving a bug in the 50’s and 60’s, right?) Originating as an urban trend years ago (Flavor Flav seems to show up too often in my musings), pants can now be seen slung below the be-hinds of even those uniformed private school boys. As these uniformed kids leave campus for the day they pull down their pants below their cracks, and then have to walk funny so their pants don’t fall any further - picture Harry Potter with an unexpected load in his boxers. (I know they wore robes – don’t get your Hogwarts panties in a bunch). NOTSEE pants are around every high school in the social strata of America. (If you’re thinking, “not with my teens – we have uniforms and dress codes”, see above. They all have dress codes, but as soon as they walk off campus…. Woosh!)

I believe most men’s fashion trends are rooted in the most basic of all things – getting’ the girl! Even the most ridiculous trends – parachute pants, wife beater shirts, white leather shoes with matching belt, rainbow suspenders, and mullets – hey wait a minute!! I have way too much experience with these trends!!! Anyway, they appealed to some group of girls at some point; or they went away fast. But I don’t see this with NOTSEE-PANTS. They don’t even seem to appeal to their girlfriends. They roll their eyes and say, “do you have to do that with your pants?”

It was suggested that, because it cuts across all socioeconomic boundaries, it is a uniting teenage statement of defiance. (Read “Uniting Teenage Statement of Defiance” with a raised voice, looking straight up and pumping your fist in the air..) So, it’s like drinking beer? No - this has to do with clothing; so its fashion related. Right? This theory appeals greatly to me in its cultural depth and intellectual social implications on the evolution of adolescence and the impact on our current social consciousness. ;)

I’m not really buying the intellectual theory though.

My conclusion is that there is – unfortunately - a much simpler explanation. They do it for the reaction to it. They wear their NOTSEE PANTS to invoke universal disdain, and then they giggle about it. Just like a fart.

Choo Choo ka Choo!!

This year’s summer vacation started with a 34 hour train ride.

Since the big brother and sister were, for the first time, not along for summer vacation, it was just my 13 year old son and I, off to our annual jaunt to Michigan. The train ride started in Flagstaff and concluded in Chicago – we experienced 12 states – Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Kansas, Missouri, Iowa, Illinois, boredom, excitement, hunger, delirium and sleep. Mostly, my son was bored, and I was excited.

The train had a dining car, a viewing car, a lounge car, a sleeping car, and where our assigned seating was, steerage. Riding the train is not what it used to be – there’s electricity at all the seats, so electronics can be plugged in to watch movies and play games. Before we left, Clark picked out a couple DVD movie collections – you know those $5-10 DVD boxes that have four movies with common themes or from the same series of movies. The two he picked out were Lethal Weapon 1 thru 4, and a grouping of 4 Police Academy movies, which I assumed would be 1 thru 4. I like the Lethal Weapon movies, and thought, “I remember the first Police Academy, and Clark would probably like it”. Turns out the box contained 4 Police Academy movies; like, Police Academy, 5, 6, 7 and 8!?!?!? Who knew? If you thought Police Academy 2 and 3 were awful, you should see 5 thru 8. It reminded me of a Hollywood rule about sequels that brother Paul once explained to me – that every sequel is half as good as its previous installment – I did the math on this - a 4th sequel is therefore 12.5% as good as the original - which puts the 8th at about 1% as good as the original. I don’t think they could make a 9th, because it would have no discernable value. (.00391) The Police Academy movies seem to prove out this theory. And do you remember the original Police Academy? It wasn’t very good to start with. So anyway, I read a lot.

I also went to the viewing car a lot. I loved watching the country unfold as we zipped across the Great Plains at speeds approaching 90 miles an hour. I also loved the cross section of people – at one point we were playing cards in a booth in the viewing car and talking with Amish from Iowa, Eagle Scouts from Kansas, an urban family from Chicago, and a college kid from Northwestern. The Amish family was particularly patient with a well-spoken 10 year old city-boy who streamed a gaggle of surprising questions at them: “do you know what a car is?” “do you know what a school is?” “do you know what a TV is?” “do you know what a cow is?” “do you know what McDonalds is?” “do you know what a plane is?” Sheesh. He must have thought they were an alien species from another planet. I guess to him, maybe they were.

In the Dining Car it was by appointment only, so we made reservations, put on fresh shirts and hobnobbed with the privileged for one meal, where I met a beautiful woman named Rose, and we laughed and strolled the decks together and.…. Oh wait, that’s another story…. This one has a much warmer ending. Where was I? Oh right, we made reservations for the dining car and we had bad food all gussied up to look like good food. Right, now I’m back on track. Get it?! Back on “track”! Haha!! Sorry, 34 hours on a train get’s you a little punchy.

The rest of the meals we purchased from the lounge car; it was the same food anyway. No waiting. We always seemed to be a little ahead of schedule, so when we stopped, we had a little extra time before scheduled departures – until we got to the Chicago area. It seems traffic in Chicago isn’t limited to the highways. We arrived 2 hours late, but no worse for the wear.

In general, I liked the train ride very much, and my son a little less so. But if you decide to take a long train ride, bring cards, plenty of reading material, and know that there’s electricity, and soon they expect to have internet as well!! Have no fear of ice burgs, but expect to meet interesting people. Kansas and Iowa don’t seem to have changed much over the years – and it’s comforting to know, neither have Eagle Scouts, Amish or City-folk. All is well on the Great Plains.

August, 2009

As I packed my daughter up for our road trip to Boulder and her freshman year of college, I didn’t think much about the fact that lots of people passed by the house over the couple hours it took to load up all the pink and girly items in the car. But I guess I should have thought about the message being projected… “We’re leaving for days!! – This would be an excellent time to rob us!” I even loaded up the dog.

As has been my habit, I left the back door unlocked, as Clark would be home within two hours of me and Lena leaving; where his mom would pick him up shortly after that. Soo.. away we went – at the time, the only thing I was really feeling was the loss of my daughter leaving for college, and the realization that all things girly and pink were leaving the building; a man cave being left behind.

But not 100 miles out of Phoenix I got a call from Clark. “Dad, we’ve been robbed. The Wii is gone.” Well maybe Frank took it to your moms? “No Dad, the back door was open and all the drawers in your room have been pulled out and emptied.” Oh dang! We’ve been robbed!! Well call your mom and get out of there. “Do you think they might still be around, dad? I’m going to grab a knife from the kitchen.” Just call your mom and get out. Oh – what about my guitars? “They’re here in your room.” Whew. I mean, take the computers and game systems – but leave my guitars please! So his mom came and got him and they locked the house up good.

I was on the first day of a six day trip. So six days later I arrived home and started taking inventory – missing: computer, Wii game system, class rings, two watches, and… It was all small stuff they could grab easily. Thank goodness I’m insured.

Since I’m not an acquirer of valuable antiquities, and did not even have a flat screen TV – the sight of my drawers pulled out and clothes on the floor lead me to envision the following scene:

Bad guy 1: Where do you think this guy keeps all his good shit?

Bad guy 2: I don’t know. He doesn’t even have a flat screen TV and the box of man-jewelry-type stuff only has these class rings, a couple of watches and like, cufflinks and collar tabs. Surely he’s got some good shit around here somewhere.

Bad guy 1: Check all his drawers – I bet he hides his good shit under his tighty-whitey’s.

Bad guy 2: YOU check under his tighty-whitey’s! I ain’t touchin’ his tighty-whitey’s!!

Bad guy 1: Oh just pull all the dang drawers out and dump them! I’m sure that’s where he keeps his good shit!

A couple minutes later – all the drawers pulled – the clothes dumped – my tighty-whitey’s on the floor – no good shit found….

Bad guy 2: Dang! You think he has a safe around or something? Cuz this guy don’t have shit!

Bad guy 1: No kidding. We’re gonna have to hit 3 or 4 more houses today to make up for all the shit this guy doesn’t have…

HA! I win!! Just try to take all my good shit when I don’t have any!! Haha!! I have an excellent advantage over those thieving bast-ards – I tend to acquire lots of things that matter a lot - but only to me. Just try to pawn pictures of my kids, or a Louis Armstrong bust, 70's and 80's albums, or a gargoyle. Just try to put that piano under your coat! – I think not!!

So, bad-guys, make yourself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (please use the creamy peanut butter; as I prefer chunky) – and get outa here you punks!!

Bad guys: Whatever dude – we’re just trying to feed our family’s and you did not really help much – we’re outa’ here. We gotta find some decent shit today and you just set us back hours. Or maybe only about 5 minutes.

Oh, well, I hope you find some good shit. Have you tried Paradise Valley? Or North Scottsdale?

Donner Party - Table for Two?

Jet passengers stuck on Conn. tarmac for hours

Read more: http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2010/06/23/20100623stranded-on-plane.html#ixzz0roUbMkHl

Excerpt:

Passengers told CNN that Tuesday night's ordeal began when they were diverted to Bradley because of bad weather during a flight from London to Newark, N.J. They said they landed at about 8:20 p.m. and were kept on the plane until about 1 a.m. Wednesday.Passengers told the news network that people were yelling and screaming. At least three people fainted and were taken away in ambulances, passengers said. The aircraft was carrying 300 passengers and 14 crew.

"It was like four hours on the ground without any air conditioning. It was crazy. Just crazy," passenger Beth Willan told CNN. "There were babies on the plane. And we are in dark and hot. You try to be patient but people were yelling and screaming."

Wow! Like – four hours on the ground without air conditioning?! What an ordeal!!

Ordeal, noun - any extremely severe or trying test, experience, or trial.

Based on this reaction, I would submit that we are a society of wimps. I would put forth that an ordeal is, oh, losing a loved one; fighting a war; battling a disease; not knowing where your next meal is coming from; your wagon train arriving at the pass the day of the biggest storm in decades thus stranding you there until spring… you know, hardship.

Inconvenient, noun - an inconvenient circumstance or thing; something that causes discomfort, trouble, etc.

I would suggest that travel delays, mediocre hotel accommodations, rude drivers, and being hounded by the paparazzi – well – these are inconveniences – not ordeals. Or hardships. And in fact, if you have patience and humor, they might even be nice memories, or at a minimum, good stories to be told and laughed about for years to come.

I’m reminded of a time in the early 1980’s when I spent 24 hours snowed in at Chicago O’hare, trying to catch a 40 mintute flight to Detroit. It was the holidays and thousands of people were stranded. By hour 8 or 10, we started unwrapping presents we were to take to others, and playing games. This was not an ordeal. And interestingly, I don’t really remember other flights between Chicago and Detroit although I know I took a few. I do, however, remember the many patient, good-humored people who were forced together that day. And night. And the next day. I vaguely remember a few asses that kept hounding the poor airline reps, insisting they were important people and heads would role and they’d lose their jobs for these unacceptable delays.. blah blah blah… we all know the type – my lord, people of this type go through life this way! Ulcers and negativity and unhappiness, oh my!

So it would be nice if we took a step back when nature rears it’s unpredictable and inconvenient head, and rational thought demands a safer – all be it untimely – change in our plans. Let’s try to see it for what it is – an unpredictable part of life. It’s true that unpredictable inconveniences can lead to ordeals – but really, four hours on the tarmac with no air conditioning…. Well, c’mon people - this ain’t the Donner Party.

Exqeeze Me? I'm the Biggest What?

******* Warning - Bad Language Alert - My parents won't like the language in this Blog - thus, will probably not like the blog at all. Read on at your own risk *********

I have not been drawn to reality TV. The first example I recall seeing sent me running in the other direction – it was an episode of Survivor in its first season, and I was left feeling like it was designed to bring out the human races worst traits: selfishness, greed, dishonesty, and all around bad behavior in a deserate pursuit of money and five minutes of fame. The bits and pieces I caught over the past ten years have not been encouraging… especially MTV stuff. The absurd Flavor-Flav’s Flavor of Love – The disturbing Tila Taquila’s quest for a partner, with no gender or species differentiation – and what was that Paris Hilton one? Where she’s made to live with normal people and it made everyone miserable; Paris, host family, and viewer alike.

So it was a pleasant surprise when I was talked into watching The Biggest Loser last night. Here’s a show that people are winning, even when they lose. Win or lose, contestants seem to leave the show better off, with a much better chance of continuing a healthier life than before they joined the show.

The truly astonishing thing to me however, is the fact that they took a perennial, negative (and insulting) phrase and turned it into a positive thing. They’re all wearing t-shirts that say “The Biggest Loser” and they all say, “I’m going to be the Biggest Loser!!” and the winner will proudly shout to the heavens, “Ha!! I’m the Biggest Loser there is!!!” AND, people say, “Way to GO!!” This is good mojo. Excellent karma. Negatives into Positives.

Soooo… I was thinking…. Along these same lines… by structuring phrases and reality shows correctly, what other negative phrases can we change the scope of? What phrases can we reinvent, thus turning their current cultural and social stigmas on their heads and diverting that negative mojo in a different direction and understanding?

How about this for a concept – much like the bachelor(ette) – a woman will chose a mate - in this case from the predominantly red-neck sector of eligible bachelors. And we will call it, “The Biggest Dumb-F@*K” - where all season long, contestants can exclaim, “Hell yes!! I’m gonna be the Biggest Dum-F@*K!!” And the winner receives $100,000, a Burger King franchise, and a gun rack (First and foremost, however, he’s getting laid – hence the name of the show. Not that we would broadcast that segment. Ick) And we can spin that off, where we follow some of the losers - as in “I ain’t the Biggest Dumb-F@*K – but just because I got kicked off the show doesn’t mean I’m going to quit trying to be a Big Dumb-F@*K - give me another chance and I promise I’ll be the Biggest Dumb-F@*K ever!!”

Or, hey! More in the spirit of the Biggest Loser, how about the Biggest Dumb-A$s!! People who have uncontrollable flatulence will be brought together at a camp where they are given new diets and activity regimens designed to reduce flatulence and help quiet those talkative butts! Thus, the Biggest Dumb-A$s!! Contestant one: “I’m the Biggest Dumb-A$s – blaattt!! Damn!”. Contestant two: “Come on I know you can do it – but for today I’m the Biggest Dumb-A$s!! It was only a few weeks ago I could fart the whole alphabet – today I can barely get two vowels out!”

So as I see the future of reality TV, we have concepts that not only entertain, but actually change the way our society views the use of soon-to-be former insults. In the spirit of forward thinking and the assured continued improvement of our enlightened society, I’ll leave you with a departing phrase that, given the above identified trend, is sure to have a positive connotation in the near future.

Go F@*K Yourself! (I’m working on a concept for this one – it will be grand!!)

Triatheletes

The registered trademark of the triathlon event that was evolving and emerging in the 70’s was: Swim 2.4 miles! Bike 112 miles! Run 26.2 miles! Brag for the rest of your life".

Yeah - I didn’t really do that. I’m proud of both myself and my fellow mini-triathaletes - but really - it would be an insult to triathaletes the world over to refer to myself as a triathalete after doing that “mini” triathlon.

All and all, I fared much better than I expected as I pretended to be Michael Phelps, Lance Armstrong and Usain Bolt, all in one race. However… before I watched the results getting posted, I was thinking, “I should do pretty well in my 45-50 age category”, only to see that the fastest time of the day (from all comers of all ages) was…. in the men 45-50 age grouping. If I’d have lied about my age and said I was ten years younger, I would have faired much better (comparitively). I guess I’m in the more-motivated “trying to prove something-and-can’t-really-accept-we’re-ageing” age category. (With all the “mini” and “maxi” talk they really needed a sanitary napkin tie in. Do I have to think of everyone’s marketing for them?)

But the race went as I expected – I did a lot better than most in the pool – a bit better than most on the bike – and awful on my feet – which thankfully was only a short part of the race – but all of which was a great reminder that one can be in pretty good shape - but that doesn’t mean you’re in swimming shape, or running shape, or biking shape.

I really do feel good about having completed the race. But I confess, too, that I had a dream last night where the race organizer got up in front of all of us who participated, and said: “Thank you for coming out today. I love to put these races together so I can observe, identify and nurture people who show promise as an athlete; unfortunately I didn’t see any of that today. You can all go home now”

And as I got some gasoline out of the shed this morning to get the grease numbers off my arms and leg (ok not really grease – they were written on with a sharpie – progress!), I was feeling some post–race blues. I’m afraid I may need to move up to the “maxi” race to feel better. And that might mean actually training – not just aimlessly working out at the gym. Here was my training/pre-race build up for the two weeks leading up to the “Triathlon”:

- Go to the gym as normal
- Grocery shop as normal
- Pick up kids and run them around as normal
- Eat a little extra - because I’d better start carbing up!!
- Register for the race
- Rent a road bike for 24 hours
- Buy some race shorts that can get wet and don’t require a change between race segments
- Wear said race shorts on a tune up bike ride and then wear them around the house just long enough to hear your 17 year old son say, “OMG dad! Please tell me you’re not going out in public in those!!”
- Fill water bottle
- Drive to race
- Wait 2.5 hours to start because there were 400 people there to participate

Whew!! That was exhausting! The preparation, not the race. The race was over in 48 minutes.

Now what’s next? Ah yes – Mountain Climbing – soon I will be a Mountain Climber –

OK, training checklist: - go to the gym as normal - grocery shop as normal…. Ah, no rest for the middle-aged-man-in-denial.

Healthcare Reformation

Our healthcare system is an impressive, progressive, innovative, world class modern medical array of break-outs and breakthroughs – and it sucks, too. Our costs keep going up and our coverage keeps going down. More people are going without what they need and more people are losing insurance coverage as a result of rising medical costs, rising insurance costs AND rising unemployment. The population is aging and medical needs are evolving. And the current system, such as it is, is not supporting our population’s needs – and it’s getting worse. I’m glad this piece of legislation is making SOME headway – and here’s why….

Get Stuff Done – Why I’m Glad SOMETHING is Happening

Have you ever been a part of a large organization (Hi Marriott!!) that will form a committee to decide how to form a committee? At some point you just want to scream, “for Gods sake - do SOMETHING!!” One of the biggest strengths of our government is also one of its significant weaknesses; its inability to make a quick decision. It’s a strength, because you will not see rash, un-thought-out decisions. On the other hand, “for Gods sake – do SOMETHING!!”

I moved to Washington DC during the Clinton era – I went full of enthusiasm for being closer to our government and its inner workings – and anticipating I would gleen a better understanding and respect of our wonderful system. I left three years later glad to distance myself from all those liars and self-serving egotists. And that was just my neighbors ;). I definitely left with a better understanding of the system; maybe not so much the respect part. Recently I'm reminded of one very interesting dynamic I observed - something that may well play out with the Obama administration. Clinton and the Democratic Party were paralyzed when they owned both the Presidency and Congress. It created in-fighting with the democrats and coalesced the republicans into a united front. It wasn’t until Clinton’s second term - when the republicans got congress back - that the two parties got to work and worked together to find solutions. The two party system works – just not always how I thought.

Anyway, as our republican friends unite and fight back as a powerful unit, the healthcare debate has become so overly politicized; it feels like it has lost its way. (Not to worry Democrat friends - when the Republicans get control – the infighting will ramp right back up) So what’s the healthcare debate about again? Oh yeah – money. We’re here because our costs are too high for what we’re getting – so let’s make changes. But… how are we going to pay for the changes? How are the insurance companies going to provide the changes with restrictions and limits on revenue? We’re a compassionate society who will not let people die because they do not have coverage. (For the most part). But… that reality is one of the many factors driving everyone’s medical costs up. But… I’ve got friends and family that have put off care because of these issues – care that threatens their lives! These are heady, politically charged, and important issues that grow with inaction. So “for Gods sake – do SOMETHING!” So after decades of attempts we have some potential healthcare reform – all 2700 pages of it. And here’s my prediction: some if it will work. Some of it will turn out to be foolish. And it will never be perfect. But we will learn from it. And it will improve.

Paying For It – Ouch!! – Why I’m worried

Let’s face it – this is the hardest part – and there will likely be no easy answers. But let’s simplify it. If a member of your family get’s really sick and much of the care has to come out of your pocket, and you don’t have anything in your savings account, what do you do? Do you do some stuff you don’t want to do? Do you downsize some other things? Do you sell your BMW and drive a Honda? Well, until about 2007, the answer is, “NO!” You take out a second mortgage, lease an SUV, and with the surplus, pick up a piece-of-crap condo with a 3 year ARM as an “investment property” that is selling for three times its eventual value – and you feel good about it – until... POP! Now a Honda is looking pretty good – and a Ford maybe even better!

You’re smarter than me, so I don’t have to spell out the analogy, but to entertain myself, I will anyway. The country’s health care system has gotten sick. So will we get rid of that new aircraft carrier and settle for a battle ship? NO! With the current state of the world? Make that - TWO new aircraft carriers!! Wait – what’s that sound…? POP!! Did you ever see the movie “Dave”? The scene where the look-a-like president (Kevin Klein) brings in his Jewish accountant (Charles Groden) to look at the un-balanced budget and this small town accountant looks it all over and says, “are you kidding me!? If I did my books like this I’d be in jail!” It’s good to be the goernement…

But it will all come home to roost at some point. Much political hay is being made from the concept that “we’re handing this debt to our children!” Which I believe has some truth to it – but we won’t actually have THAT much time. We’ll have to deal with it sooner. Aren’t you glad you’re not a congress(wo)man? Sure there’s lots of money, power and sex, but do you want a smaller military presence? Do you want to say “no” to some more funding to New Orleans? (There is actually a provision in the Health Care Reform Bill that provides more funding to Louisiana – and an amendment already being penned to nix that) Do you want seniors to go without their prescription drugs? Do you want to close National Parks? Do you want to cut back on funding to Israel?

Operating from Fear

Speaking of political hay - Our politicians relish in getting attention by playing on our fears. But let’s try to stay on point – healthcare – what needs to be provided – how are we going to pay for it - OK – I’m NOT on the far right OR the far left. Here it is where I alienate my REALLY conservative and REALLY liberal friends (cuz yes, I have have and love them both) –

John’s half-glass-full 30 second trust memorandum -

Does anyone REALLY believe George Bush is a war-monger? Does anyone REALLY believe Obama can make the USA a socialist state? I truly believe they are both dedicated, true-blue Americans that want what’s best for the country. Congress will keep Presidents in check – mostly. And the courts will make sure neither a president or congress(wo)man’s ego gets completely out of hand. And I trust that in the end, it will be better. (I know – this is where I just lost you – “John said “trust” a politician… hahahahaha!”) Vote for who best represents your priorities and beliefs – give your representatives your feedback (whether you voted for them or not) and in the end, TRY to trust whoever that rep is. Because I believe… Some if it will work. Some of it will turn out to be foolish. And it will never be perfect. But we will learn from it. And it will improve.

And remember, as the saying goes, “Democracy sucks – but it’s the best political system in the world.” Or something like that…