Hockey season is starting. At my son Frank’s game last night I was reminded of the worst aspect of youth sports: the parents.

It was a pleasant surprise to me that as the kids got older – for youth hockey at least – the parents got less idiotic - at least in sheer numbers. When kids are around age 10 or 11 the parents seem to be at their worst. Complaining about officiating – yelling at other team’s parents – complaining about the coach – complaining about opposing teams and their parents – you know, all the reasons we want our kids to participate in sports. So they can observe how to be rude, intolerant, obnoxious, and poor losers. These are typically the more committed parents, going to every practice and game – for god’s sake – get a life. Those poor officials and coaches who commit all their time for the love of the game… heaven forbid they make a mistake or a bad call - like they’re supposed to be pro caliber.

A few years ago, when Frank was a “squirt”, I got an email that there was a last minute parent meeting. I went to the parent meeting, and the coach wasn’t there. I said,
“Where’s the coach?”
The team mom replied “we’re having a meeting to discuss replacing the coach.”
“Why?” I asked. “What did she do?” (Alarmed, I’m thinking: abuse, stealing, lying…)
“Well it’s almost half way through the season and we haven’t won a game yet. It’s unacceptable.”

In a rare moment for mild-mannered-me, I got up and said – “Oh. Well then I’m leaving. I don’t think Frank and I are here for the same reasons you are. Frank will be at practices and games the rest of the season – win or lose. Let me know when we have a meeting with the coach here.” And I headed for the door. But before I could escape..

“What do you mean by that?” A dad yelled out.

I stopped long enough to say, “We participate in sports to learn about commitment, sportsmanship, teamwork, hard work, loyalty – and even hardship. I don’t think my son will ever play for the NHL – but he has fun and learns a lot. And frankly, how his dad reacts to a losing season will teach him a lot more life-lessons than how his dad reacts to winning.” And I left.

There was apparently a bit of an uproar after I left, but the coach stayed the whole season. Some parents said that it needed to be said; and some ostracized me after that.

So here we are more than 5 years later, and the kids still playing hockey at 17 and 18 years old mostly drive themselves to practice and games, and play because they love the game – not because their parents love the game – or they have professional aspirations. So the nutty parents have mostly faded away. But not all of them.

As a skirmish developed on the ice in a corner I couldn’t see, I got up and walked a few steps to where I could get a view of what was happening. Not seeing the dad from the opposing team sitting behind me, I inadvertently blocked his view. Instead of “excuse me pal” I got “DO YOU MIND BUDDY!?” I turned around and seeing I was blocking his view, I apologized. That wasn’t good enough however. From that point on he escalated his rhetoric, yelling at the referees and boys about bias and unfair calls – and each time turning to glare at me. They don’t serve beer there - but the way the guy was acting, you'd have thought they did.

But all in all, I’m glad the days of goofy over-invested parents are largely behind me. Someday I’m sure I’ll get to go to my grandkids games and laugh at the parents all over again – and from that vantage, I’m sure it will be easier to take. Either that, or I might have developed into a crotchety old fart; and it will be my turn to yell stupid things for the wrong reasons. Either way – something to look forward to – but not TOO soon, I hope.

Marital Status

Recently I had to fill out some change forms for insurance. The first section of the form is "Personal Information". The first two questions are as follows:

1. Sex

• Male
• Female

2. Marital Status

• Single
• Married
• Divorced

Now stop reading and think about that.......

Aside from the fact I've been known to choke on multiple choice tests (although I'm almost sure I got the first question right), I am divorced; so I will forever be two of the three above. I think it's a trick question. So drawing on my many years of experience with multiple choice questions, I developed a better thought-out list:

A. Single
B. Married
C. Divorced
D. A & C
E. B & C
F. All of the above (Divorced Mormon)

"Single" or "Married" seems appropriate. We're all going to be one of the two. Seems unfair to know more about me.

D - Hey - can I buy you a drink?
S - Sure - you don't seem too weird. You're not married are you?
D - No!
S - How do I know for sure? Let me see your insurance form.
D - OK. See here? Not married.
S - No. But your not single either. You lied to me. Loser. With baggage. Take a hike.

Upon reflection however, something is still bothering me. As the "divorced" label clearly gives more personal information out than a simple single or married individual is sharing, it just seems fair to expound on Marital Status a bit more. Since we're getting to know each other with this form - and after all, the section IS called "Personal Information"- a thorough vetting of each status seems appropriate.

Single

• Waiting for Mr/Miss Right
• By choice and happy about it
• But shacking up

Married

• Happily
• Miserably
• How many times? ____

Divorced

• Amiably
• Ugly
• How many times? ____

There. That seems more balanced. And now the insurance form can have multiple uses. Such as in on-line dating selection. Or in better knowing your neighbors. We could be geo-coded so your neighbors can know how and where the divorcees and multi-marrying bastard types are in relation to the home you want to buy. All these things effect home values - as well as the safety of our children. But I'm drifting here a bit. I know I know. I'm divorced. Get used to it.

(Bonus points for identifying the picture and number of times married)

Two Pods in the Hole

Worried about the U.S. dollar and its exchange rate to the Euro? Or the Pound? Or the Yen? Or the Loonie? Well it's time to wise up and see the newest monetary threat to the dollar - the i-pod!

In the past couple years I have seen this new currency emerging. Money, cash, credit and the traditional monetary based system has taken a back seat to what I will call, the "Pod".

This phenomenon has manifested itself in phrases such as, "if you let me use your i-pod this weekend I'll do the dishes for you." Or, "if I can take your i-pod with me to the lake I'll give you 5 bucks." Or even, "if you let me borrow your i-pod, I'll play basketball with you for an hour."

As big brother used this last phrase successfully, I realized how the "Pod" had usurped the dollar. I mean, it would be insulting to pay your brother money to play with you. But lending him your i-pod to get him to play with you seemed perfectly acceptable.

At the core of this system, however, is Frank's inability to keep an i-pod. Great demand has been created when Frank loses, not just his i-pod(s), but those that he borrows as well. Kind of like gold was once the standard by which our monetary system was bolstered (see Fort Knox), Frank is the force which bolsters the strength of the "Pod" (see adolescent cluelessness).

Here is an example of the ebb and flow of the strength of the "Pod" over a few weeks span.

My i-pod disappeared. Since there is generally a certain reverence given to i-pods, once I asked all my blessed children and none knew of its whereabouts, I took it to be lost. Not quite valuing it at the same level as the three mouseketeers, however, I waited about three weeks to see if it showed up. When it didn't, I went to Costco and replaced it - only I replaced it with an I-touch (a fancier version of the i-pod), thus creating an encouraging trade impact on U.S. steel exports with the positive effect I created on the surging "Pod".

Frank, leaving for a school emergence trip to Canada (ay?), made a desperate and pitiful plea to borrow my i-touch on his trip. He was willing to barter many goods and services that normally would have been well worth it. But since a two hour local lending of an i-pod to Frank carries about a 20% risk of total loss, I calculated my chances of seeing my i-touch again at about .01% if Frank took it out of the country for a week. So I declined to strike up a deal. In fact, I believe my actual words were something like, "it will be a blustery snow day in Phoenix before I let you....." You get the idea.

So Frank talked his sister's friend in to letting him borrow her i-touch. I got a call from Frank at customs in Chicago, on the way to Toronto, letting me know he went to the bathroom , and someone stole the borrowed i-touch. He said he didn't have the money to replace it, so what was he going to do? We had a talk about borrowing things of greater value than the resources you have, but in the end, I indicated that we may need to give her mine until he can come up with the replacement cost. That same day, while I was in the gym during my lunch break, someone broke my car window and stole my i-touch. A further indication of the growing strength of the "Pod".

So Frank now has a horrible trade imbalance with his father.

Clark got his first i-pod for his birthday a few weeks ago, and I feared a similar trend, so I was trying to help him keep an eye on the foundation of his currency. One day I asked,

"I haven't seen you with your i-pod for hours. Do you know where it is?"

"Frank borrowed it", Clark replied.

"Oh crap!" I replied back.

I pointed out the folly of lending an i-pod to Frank, and Clark wisely agreed he should get it back and not lend it to him. Don't misunderstand me - I encourage all my three amigo(a)s to share. But come on - fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 18 times....

When Frank got home, Clark quickly asked for his i-pod back, and Frank made protestations and whinny-type noises, to which I responded, "son, between your own and someone elses i-pods, you are at least 2 pods down. You can't afford to borrow anyones i-pod.

These are tough life lessons. And someday maybe Frank will have thousands of Pods of his own. But until then, he'll have to limit the temptation to further create a trade imbalance with multiple Pod owners. It doesn't work over time. It's OK for governments. Or is it? Oh, maybe that's a whole different topic. Or maybe it isn't?

Simple, Economical and Dignified.... That's our motto!

In my mid twenties, I remember looking at a Playboy centerfolds bio, and thinking, "When did those playboys centerfolds get younger than me?" I mean, I'd been waiting to grow up enough to think of them as "in my league." OK. Reality is that's a whole different sport. Not just a different league. But you get my point.

Then there was a time in my late 30's where I went to the doctor, explained a few items that had been bugging me, and he said, "yeah. That stuff happens with age." HEY! What happened to fixing things?

A few years ago, my son Clark got clocked in the head with a ball, and had a bump and a cut as a result. (One of many times, unfortunately.) A couple days later you could barely make out the spot he'd been hit. Meanwhile, I looked down at the back of my hand where I'd been cut a month ago, and thought, "when is THAT thing gonna heal!"

So as I picked up my mail today, I did as most do with their mail, ignored the obvious advertisements and bills, and grabbed the one envelope that looked personal - ivory envelope, script written, no obvious return address. And as I looked closer, pregnant excitement in the air at receiving the potentially personal note from a friend, I notice a hook in the bottom left corner - Free Pre-Paid Cremation! Details Inside.

Marketing acumen aside, (Why go to the effort of tricking me if you're going to put a hook on the front of the personal-looking envelope?), am I supposed to get excited by that? What mailing list did I get on that I'm receiving this special offer? And if I'm cremated, will my soul still make it to heaven?

Well - it just struck me as another milestone. One I could have done without right now. But one that I'm glad I'm around to reach, anyway. For now, I'll leave anyone interested with the following new knowledge I now possess:

Cremation makes sense because:

• It allows families to conduct simple personal services at their own convenience.


• It is much less expensive.


• It has less impact on the environment.

Sheesh - I think Dr. Kevorkian and Darryl Hannah have teamed up.